Take your time.

"You're a woman. By birthright, you're allowed to take your time." -Kamilah, pole & twerk instructor

BOOKS! (Why We Came to the City) - proof

This is the second-to-last uncorrected proof that I got from the bookstore break room, and it seemed mildly interesting. I'd wanted this book enough to take it for myself, but truthfully I wasn't all that excited to crack it open. When I looked it over  my first thought was, Great. Yet another work created about New York City, focusing exclusively on hip white 20-somethings. Woo. hoo. How. original. I almost stopped reading it because I assumed it'd be uninteresting, but this novel surprised me!

Why We Came to the City by Kristopher Jansma
(on sale February 16, 2016)

My assumption when skimming the title and synopsis was that I'd be reading about this group of college friends and NYC transplants clumsily but earnestly following their dreams, while conquering their respective quarter-life crises during the Great Recession. The book is even punctuated by poetic interludes  ("Why We Came to the City", "Why We Left the City", and "The City That Is") about New York City and how living there has changed them. But this novel is also a little more serious than that. Readers are immersed in this group's long-standing friendship, and how each person's character, priorities, and disappointments are brought to the surface when they must collaborate to support one of them who is fighting cancer.

Part 1 introduces the characters and sets us up for this tragedy. We have Irene, an artist and assistant at an art gallery, with a suspicious spot under her left eye. We have her best girl friend Sara, a type-A editor and socialite. We have George, Irene's friend and Sara's boyfriend, an astronomer who likes to keep the peace. We have Jacob, George's poet bestie and the too-cool rebel of the group, known for his intelligent snark and strong opinions. And lastly there's William, an easygoing Korean-American investment banker and the only native New Yorker in this ensemble. He was a vague acquaintance of the group in college and is still madly in love with Irene after all this time, despite not knowing her or any of the friends that well. Irene is the one that the other four have to rally around, and let me tell you. What sold me on this book is how Jansma writes about her passing. He so craftily and delicately weaves two moments together that we're not sure which one is real until the end. First he has us follow Irene as she escapes the hospital, refusing to die there, and walks freely through the city accompanied by winds. And then he splices that with scenes of her friends being called to the hospital to decide whether or not to take her off life support, revealing that Irene is actually in a coma. And rather than following Irene's escape, we've actually been walking with her through the last moments of her life, in her mind.

Part 2 Gives each of the remaining characters a chapter to meander through the year and some change that follow Irene's passing. I won't say any more than that; I feel like I've already given away a lot. What I will say is that as much as Sara, George, Jacob, and William loved Irene and as close as they'd become, turns out there was a lot they didn't know about her. Like where she came from. Who and where her family was, if she even had any. Her real name. She carried those secrets with her to the grave. As settled as she seemed to be, as hard as she loved the people around her, she was a drifter who belonged to no one. But what's redeeming about all this is that her friends loved her back so fiercely that they didn't feel the need to ask too many questions. And no one in the group can completely get over her once she's gone.

So I would say that Why We Came to the City is more a novel about friendship more than anything else. There's the cancer subplot and the relentless pressure of the quarter-life crisis. There's frequent emphasis on the meaning and function art, poetry, literature. But it's Irene and what she means to each of her friends that allows them to pull together when they need to, and to keep moving forward when it's time to do so. I didn't have high expectations, but this is really a beautiful book. At least give it a good flip-through once it's released!

Favorite quotes:

"William, you are a person! You possess, within you, a personality. A personality that can─no, which must─be expressed in the things that surround you!...They mean that you aren't a page twelve, William Cho!" (89).

"and I guess it sucks that it's always going to be a little harder for you than for other people, and you'll have to stay on your medication, and sometimes you're still going to see a homeless guy on the street or something and it's going to break you heart, and you'll want to crawl under a rock somewhere and hide everything good that you've got to offer from the world because it's going to seem like the world doesn't deserve it, but I promise it does─" (308-9).

Priya.

Priya was 24 and had gone through some things. Eventually she got tired of fighting, so she prepared a letter and a fundraising page to help her family after the fact. And now she's gone.

I am 23, and I am devastated. Because I read the story and her letter, and I've been exactly where she's been. What happened to her in her life may have differed from what happened to me in mine, but I know those depths. I know how encompassing that darkness can be. It's hard to recover from hopelessness. I was up at 6:30 this morning crying to my mom about this. I don't think I've cried this hard for someone I don't know since Charleston 9. It's just like when I learned about Karyn Washington's passing. It hurts.

It hurts because she didn't make it. Like she was me or could've been me, and her not making it means "we" or "one of us" didn't make it, and I really wish she could've stuck around. I wish she would've made it.

I don't know you, but I love you, my sister Priya. I know how much you were hurting and how hard you tried. And even though you didn't make it through, you left behind something good and beautiful. Peace be upon you and your family. Rest.

Delayed. And that's okay.

Up until recently, I was ready to get out of here. Ever since high school, really, all I could think about was leaving, moving far away to another country, staying there, and leaving everything here behind. In college, especially leading up to graduation, all I wanted was to get up and go, to move on to the next place.

But then I didn't have a next place to go to, and so now I'm still here.

And even though I still want to go. Even though there is still something in me pulling me outward, as there's always been. I'm afraid to leave. I'm just now realizing that leaving everything behind means really leaving everything behind. Starting over means really starting over. I desperately want out, but I'm not as ready to seize it as I thought I was.

So for now I'm still here with Ma and my dog. I'm going to stay and soak up all the love and warmth  that I can, gather all the comfort to hold inside me that I can. Until I'm a little more ready. Until I can trust myself a little more to be alone and do things on my own, to sustain good thoughts and good feelings. I doubt I'll ever be all-the-way ready. Hugh Laurie says you're never completely ready for anything, and the planner in me grudgingly can't deny that. I don't know when it'll be. Hopefully it's soon; as much as I love my two anchors, I know there's nothing substantial for me here. But I guess that's between me and God. We'll see.

In the meantime, at least now I'm a little more ready to stop feeling so guilty about being "stuck" here. Delays shouldn't be as shameful as I've made them out to be.

BOOKS! (My Wish List)

As mentioned in my last review, this is the second of two books that I was able to buy for $2.91. Not only that, but it's also a translation of a hugely popular French novel published in 2012, which got me so excited that I barely needed to examine what it was about (as much as I usually do) before buying it. I didn't even know that the lottery was that big of a thing in France, and coincidentally I ended up reading this novel right in the midst of all that hubbub about the $1.6 billion Powerball that was going on a couple weeks ago here in the States. So this ended up being a timely story that did not disappoint!

My Wish List by Grégoire Delacourt
(Originally La Liste de Mes Envies)

Jocelyne is French woman in her late forties who is bored with her life, having settled after enduring much heartbreak and abandonment. She lost her mom at 17. Her dad began succumbing to dementia when she 18. She married the first man who expressed interest in her, who'd initially only wanted sex but became her husband when their tryst led to pregnancy. She had two children before giving birth to a stillborn child, which she never got to mourn properly because her husband blamed and abused her for the loss. When she was younger, Jocelyne had dreamed of being in deep love with a man who was passionate about her, of being beautiful, of being a fashion designer, of being happy and free. Instead, she's living in the small and slow-going town of Arras, running a fabric shop, working next to a twin pair of frenemy shop-owners, married to a man who only loves her to a certain extent, and the mother of twenty-something children who have long left home and are hardly bothered.

Over time, Jocelyne has learned to be resignedly content. But two events interrupt that contentment. She starts a knitting blog that surprisingly generates a following, and later on she wins the lottery. Jocelyne starts tengoldfingers on a whim, figuring she'll pass the time by taking up something that everyone else seems to be doing these days. Her writings about stitches, techniques, patterns, fabrics, and the items offered in her shop actually amass a sizable readership of women that turns into an unexpected and off-putting community for Jocelyne─a community that looks to her for answers to life questions, but also offers her tremendous support when, say, her husband is ill. The blog might be the first instance in her adulthood where she feels like she means something significant to others. People want to hear her voice and appreciate her for being herself, without her having to convince them to do so.

The second event, which is the major event of the novel, is Jocelyne's lottery win. She follows the advice of her twin shop-owner neighbors and absentmindedly buys a ticket just for the heck of it, and ends up with 18 547 301,28 € (equivalent to $20,084,872.56 as of this post's publishing). After receiving a hefty orientation from the lottery organization's in-house psychologist, Jocelyn decides that she doesn't want anything to change too much. Though her pre-lottery life may not be the life she dreamed of, she appreciates her life because it is hers; it's stable and she's worked hard to maintain it. She may be bored, but she's not completely unhappy. So she doesn't want to sacrifice what she has for money, and is loath to pursue the multiple "wish" and "need" lists that she makes while contemplating her new secret fortune. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), that resolution comes to naught when someone else makes the decision for her.

My Wish List is a fairly quick read; I read it in two days and probably could've read it in one if I was in a hurry. Generally it's relatable to women and moms, or anyone who's wanted more out of life and just hasn't gotten it yet. I mean, who doesn't fantasize about having the means to do whatever they want when they want? Who doesn't yearn for a do-over in life? My Wish List's cover poses this question to all of us, "If you won the lottery, would you trade your life for the life of your dreams?" Take this book as an opportunity to see how you would answer that question.

Favorite quotes:

"I'd like to have the chance to decide what my life will be like, I think that's the best present anyone can get. The chance to decide what your life will be like" (32).

"Because our needs are our little daily dreams. The little things to be done that project us into tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the future; trivial things that we plan to buy next week, allowing us to think that next week we'll still be alive... You can spend your life filling a house, and when it's full you break things so that you can replace them and have something to do the next day. You can even go so far as to break up a relationship in order to project yourself into another story, another future, another house. Another life to fill" (111-112).

Talking with Yasmin 11

Today I'd come in with things I wanted to talk about (can't remember what they are now), but Yasmin had had two exercises in mind so we went with those instead. She said it was up to me to choose, since it was my session. But then I figured that if she'd taken time to plan something out I might as well see what it was about. Turns out it wasn't about much. The first exercise was listening to her read from a certain book, and that was nice. The second exercise had something to do with self-esteem and was a dud, to be quite honest. I know she's trying, but meh. Eh well. Blahblahblah. Notes here:

• Yasmin starting off by reading Be-good-to-yourself Therapy book by Cherry Hartman
• Express your opinions; it's good to hear yourself talk
• Asking for what you need/want and respecting whatever "no's" you might get, but not inflating the importance of said "no's"
• Been trying to avoid rejection like the bogeyman because you're not sure how to rebound from it and don't want to know what that "no" says about you and what you're lacking
• Feeling unmotivated this week; been thinking about the fact that there are no guarantees in life
• No guarantee that things will work out for you, no guarantee that people will receive you or respond well to you, no guarantee that the thing you love to do will ever love you back...so like, what's the point?
• Not trying to be negative, just astounded by the uncertainty of everything. Everything is a risk and that's terrifying

Things People Give Me #25

My friend from high school is currently living and working in Germany, and we've been exchanging messages occasionally to keep abreast of what each of us is up to. This morning I woke up to a new message from her, and I enjoyed it so much that I asked her for permission to share it, with minor omissions and whatnot. It makes me so glad when people trust me with their thoughts and tell me things like these. It's a lengthy offering of honesty and reflections on applying to grad school, selling yourself, teaching, progressing at a job you might not have felt cut-out for, and discovering what you like and want to do most. Very timely and relevant for other 20-somethings like us who might be struggling in this wonky phase of post-graduation or preparing for post-graduation. For your reading pleasure:

[her original message]

 Hi Danielle, see? It took me more than 3 weeks to respond. How are you? It's been a busy month for me. Although we had winter break until the 11th, I still felt really busy. I've been working on my grad school apps this whole month. U of [Whatnot] wanted a 4-6 page Statement of Purpose AND a 1-2 page Personal Statement!! Too much!!! I am a really slow (and reluctant) writer so it always takes so long. For some reason, I don't have any sort of writing process and I always feel lost when I write. Somehow I can't get my thoughts together because I have so many. And especially because this was an application essay, I felt really under pressure because it determines the next two years of my life. It's just so hard to sell yourself honestly, you know? How do I know what I would contribute? How do I know my strengths and weaknesses? They are asking us to know ourselves and communicate a coherent image of ourself to the admissions committee, but in all honesty, people aren't all that coherent. They are complex and inconsistent. Trying to project a coherent self just feels like a lie and I can't write if I feel like I'm bullshitting. So anyway, it was super hard. I had to ask a friend to help me brainstorm and focus on specific aspects of myself before I could really get the app done. But it got done eventually. Now I'm working on my U of [Whatnot] one and it's smoother sailing because it's not as long and I feel like I've already organized my thoughts when writing my U of [Whatnot] one. What's challenging about this essay is trying to use the Canadian spellings of things. But it's not that big of a deal. 

Teaching is alright. Definitely different from what I expected. Have you taught anyone before? Stood in front of a classroom and sweated? I thought that with my years of tutoring experience, I'd be well-prepared, but teaching is a different game altogether. It's psychological. It's figuring out how to motivate people to want to learn. It's learning group dynamics, which people work well together, who distracts whom, considering their age and maturity level (The 9th graders are in the gender-split phase where the boys refuse to interact with the girls and everyone is apathetic because it's cool. Little do they know that the world is not driven by apathy, but by passion). It's recognizing that different classes have different personalities and you have to be ready to adapt, be flexible, get the quiet classes to participate and the loud ones to calm down. It's learning that your plan never goes as expected. As a student, you never realize how much planning a teacher does. They structure the way the class runs. I'm always surprised by how much authority I have too. Whatever I plan for the class is what we do. It's a weird, new experience, but I'm happy I get to do this for 10 months. It's not exactly my cup of tea, but I'm learning a lot, and it's helping me strengthen my weaknesses. I hate public speaking, dealing with discipline problems, raising my voice to be heard, but I'm being forced to. And I know all of it will get easier as I go along.

I think the best part of this whole experience is the freetime. I was really lost my senior year. I was having panic attacks the summer before my last year, which I had never had before, because thinking about the future and not having something concrete was really scary to think of. It's like you've been walking around this whole time and suddenly you come to a cliff and you look down and panic because you don't know what's down there. I really felt useless, having studied German. Like, German is a good to know if and only if you have a main skill too, which I don't. So I panicked all the way through applying to the [Whatnot] and the Austrian version of the [Whatnot]. And then I breathed a bit when I got the grant because now the cliff was a bit further away. And now I'm here and the freetime has allowed me to really think of the stuff I want to do. You spend like 16 years straight through being educated that you barely have time to think about your own passions and your long-term goals because you have so many short-term goals in front of you (finishing that paper, studying for that exam, doing required readings). Once you have free time, you fill that time with what you want to do and it helps you see yourself so much clearerly. Having time to just think and reflect was really valuable because I realized that I really like building things, designing stuff, figuring out how things work, programming. But most importantly I really like to help people. And maybe one day I could help more people if I had more money. Tip better, donate to Wikipedia, stuff like that. And I can't do that stuff with just a degree in German. I want to learn to make programs /websites/applicaitons that help others (it also pays well). It became totally logical that I should apply for a Master's so I did. And I hope I get in so I can continue to work on my goals. 

What have you been up to now without the bookshop? I too worked in retail before and I know I can do better than be walked on by people with money all day errday. So can you. What have you been doing with your freetime? Volunteering? Finding another job? I wouldn't be too hard on yourself either because like I said, freetime also has its value ;) I hope you are doing well despite the insecurity, and I have absolute trust that you will figure it out eventually :) Take care!

Sorry I wrote so much haha! honest writing is the only writing I like doing

[in response to my response to her original message]

Aww, I'm glad you liked my message - of course you can reproduce it if you want haha! I'm applying to the School of [Whatnot] because they take people from basically any major since [whatnot] is an interdisciplinary field. I am an interdisciplinary at heart, so it should be a good fit. Plus I will learn how to program and design applications. And then I will finally have a main skill to pair with my German. I'm applying as a citizen and hoping the spellings don't matter because I have been integrated too long in American society d: I really enjoyed reading your message too! And never worry about "making things about" you. That's what friendship's about! (among other things). I'll send you another message next month, but until then, keep doing you in all your writing, cooking, reading, twerking glory ;)