Talking with Yasmin 12 (FINAL)

I'd decided that today would be our last session, though I wasn't going to tell Yasmin as much. The plan was to go one last time today just to see how it went and be sure, schedule an appointment for next week like always, and then just cancel in a few days and never come back.

Given the predicament that I'm in, I know I could use therapy. I need help, but I'm tired. I'm tired of leaving sessions feeling like I've wasted my time and my money. I considered asking Yasmin about making an appointment with one of the other psychiatrists in that office so I could give meds another try. See if that would make a difference. But especially following that awful appointment with Dr. B, I'm tired of having to introduce myself and my issues over and over, telling the same story about myself again and again. Most certainly, this feeling of stalled progress isn't all Yasmin's fault; I've found that usually if I feel like I've hit a wall in therapy, part of it is due to my impatience or unwillingness to make/stick to certain changes. I don't want to let my apathy take over and lead me to make another unwise decision, but then again I'm just so over this whole thing.

So I've concluded that... I don't know. (Haha, of course. I feel like everything in my life at present is a bunch of question marks heaped on top of each other to form one big, towering, stubborn "I don't know"). Today Yasmin was oddly quiet, I don't know why. Aside from a few questions she hardly said anything, and it was annoying because I'd finish saying what I had to say, and then I felt like I had to come up with something else to talk about just to fill the silence. I'm strongly considering never going back. Not because Yasmin's bad at what she does, she's not. She just doesn't seem to be working for me, and I'm tired.

That's where I am right now. My notes from today are short:

• Gotten real comfortable with having forgotten about my dad and pretending that he doesn't exist. He's become, literally, the furthest thing from my mind, and things are better this way. I like it. 
• Took a personality test at 16personalities.com. Says I'm type INFJ, "The Advocate". Must go back and consult these results, see if they might be useful.
• "You need to give yourself some more credit," so Yasmin says. But like, credit for what tho?

Talking with Yasmin 11

Today I'd come in with things I wanted to talk about (can't remember what they are now), but Yasmin had had two exercises in mind so we went with those instead. She said it was up to me to choose, since it was my session. But then I figured that if she'd taken time to plan something out I might as well see what it was about. Turns out it wasn't about much. The first exercise was listening to her read from a certain book, and that was nice. The second exercise had something to do with self-esteem and was a dud, to be quite honest. I know she's trying, but meh. Eh well. Blahblahblah. Notes here:

• Yasmin starting off by reading Be-good-to-yourself Therapy book by Cherry Hartman
• Express your opinions; it's good to hear yourself talk
• Asking for what you need/want and respecting whatever "no's" you might get, but not inflating the importance of said "no's"
• Been trying to avoid rejection like the bogeyman because you're not sure how to rebound from it and don't want to know what that "no" says about you and what you're lacking
• Feeling unmotivated this week; been thinking about the fact that there are no guarantees in life
• No guarantee that things will work out for you, no guarantee that people will receive you or respond well to you, no guarantee that the thing you love to do will ever love you back...so like, what's the point?
• Not trying to be negative, just astounded by the uncertainty of everything. Everything is a risk and that's terrifying

Talking with Yasmin 10

Notes from today's session. I did the compassionate statement assignment Yasmin gave me last time, but it was so hard for me to do! I've realized that when I have negative or judgmental thoughts about myself, in my mind that's the truth. That's just how it is. So trying to re-frame these statements or come up with positive rebuttals to them was greatly challenging and uncomfortable because I felt like I was going too easy on myself or denying the truth, like I was being naive or something. But I did it, and now I have a record to go back to and reassure myself if/when those thoughts resurface.

• Pole class frustrations; can't stand not being good at things especially when there are witnesses, disappointed in yourself, frustrated when you don't get the hang of things right away 
• Reading through my entries for the compassionate statements assignment 
• feeling a lot of unresolved disquietude and guilt; self-induced pressure to do get it together
• "difficult emotions" meditation
• getting comfortable in the uncomfortable 
• RAIN, recognize experiences instead of resisting them, and allow them to happen without attaching meaning or judgement

Talking with Yasmin 9

Today's session began with mediation and ended with a homework assignment! Doing something different, which is a welcome change from me just coming in, sitting down, talking, crying, talking while crying, and then leaving as usual. Well I mean that happened too, but at least this time it wasn't the only thing that happened. Here are my notes:

• Been feeling better
• Declined the interview for a certain job in Japan; even though moving to Japan is something that you really want, had the intuition to know that you had to let this particular opportunity go; feel you need to make peace with yourself first before uprooting your life to another continent
• "Waiting around" meditation; looking inward during periods of waiting and uncertainty instead of diverting to outward distractions
• Developing self-compassion
• Common humanity; sense of yourself as part of humanity in which other people share your struggle and difficult experiences, can empathize with yourselves and each other 
• Try hugging yourself; hug yourself by placing hands over heart, reassuring yourself that you're not alone because you always have you
• For NEXT WEEK: As you have them, make a list of negative thoughts/criticisms that you form toward yourself and re-frame them as compassionate statements

What's the Big Deal About Dating?!?

Today I had a less-than-stellar initial (and probably only) appointment with a psychiatrist in Yasmin's office. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to say "Nah", and pass on this doctor and his meds. What I'm about to tell you has little to do with why I was put off by the appointment, but it is something that's come up before and is starting to annoy me. Somewhere along his line of questioning he asked me,

"Are you dating?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Whatchu mean, why not?? Because I'm not, that's why!  "...No interest."

I understand that this is a fairly reasonable question for a psychiatrist to ask, but his "Why not?" sounded a lot like, "Oh. That's... odd. Why aren't you partaking in this normal person activity?" There are plenty of things about me that could render me an abnormal 23-year-old, but I don't see why dating should have anything to do with it. A young 23-year-old woman can't decide to forgo dating without needing a reason for it? I have my reasons, and those reasons aren't necessarily your business. But hey, for the sake of this post, I'll humor you.

I've been single all my life, and am a creature of habit! No one's ever expressed genuine interest. I've never been interested in anyone enough to pursue something like that. It's too much work (boyfriends: you have to spend time with them, talk to them, feed them, take them on walks; it's just too much work!). It's a distraction that's not even on my radar right now (I'm trying to figure out my life and you want me to sacrifice precious time and energy to keep some dude company? TUH!). Whatever a date or a boyfriend might have to offer me is currently of dubious value and not appealing to me at this point in time. And frankly (and most importantly), I just don't want to!  I don't know why people can't accept "I just don't want to" as a good enough reason for things. It's a good enough reason for me, at least.

Yasmin has also brought up the subject of dating multiple times in our sessions, like I'm missing out on something. She's recently married and so is a believer in the power of love and companionship, and how a healthy relationship can change your life for the better and all that jazz. And that's cool. I don't disagree. She wants me to be open to things, and is only encouraging me to reconsider options and broaden my horizons. Okay. But miss me with that. I get it from family, from friends, and now from well-meaning mental health professionals. Miss me with that, please.

Whew! I just had to get that off my chest. I feel better now. Maybe dating is fun and educational for most people, but I'm good with my singleness for the time being. Happy Monday, y'all!

Talking with Yasmin 8

Today was our first session of 2016! And it went better than I expected. It helps when both parties are engaged in the conversation. Here are my notes:

• Was way up on a major New Year's Day positivity high... until a pair of your adult cousins started sweating you about being 23 and not having a job; tap-dancing (although probably not purposefully) on your guilt and insecurities about being unemployed and dependent on your mom
• But if your mom understands your situation and is okay with it for now as you re-strategize, then that's okay! It's her house, and hers is the only opinion that matters on this subject!
• Telling people you "don't know" what you want to do next even though you do; just trying to avoid hassle of explaining your aspirations to people who probably won't get it
• It's not wrong for you to want what you want, just because no one wants it or understands it
• Main issues right now are the job thing (needing to feel like you're doing something worthwhile, contributing to something), and the self-esteem/self-image thing (obsession with weight and appearance as life obstacle, difficulty maintaining positive thoughts and feelings about self)

Talking with Yasmin 7

My notes from last Monday, our last session of the year. Posting this before I forget.

•  Things I think about when I'm lying awake at night:
• Always being alone, not having a future, always being fat (never becoming pretty), being trapped, never doing anything worthwhile, never making the right choices, not really being good at anything, no one needing or wanting what I have to offer, just taking up space, having no hope
• Tip: when you do your positive affirmations in the mornings, jot some of it down on a note card to carry with you throughout the day; that way you can access them easily when you need to remind yourself about good thoughts you'd come up with earlier
• Scheduled an appointment with in-house psychiatrist Dr. B in January; I might be getting meds! Maybe getting better is a possibility for me!

Talking with Yasmin 6

Again, not much to report from last Thursday's appointment. Yasmin's a good listener but other than that I don't get much from her. Still debating on whether/when to bring up meds. Or maybe I need to start over and find a new therapist altogether. Meh, who knows. Notes:

• It's okay to not be good at things; you don't have to excel or even be remotely good at every single thing you do
• To quit the boring, draining part-time job or not to quit the boring, draining part-time job; that is the question
• Feeling like a robot doing the same thing all the time, over and over; but aren't I too young to be feeling like a robot already?
• Having to face the fact that you're the fat girl that you never wanted to be (or at least, that's how you see it). Been trying to fix yourself your whole life; haven't succeeded yet and feel like you've left little Danielle down

Talking with Yasmin 5

Notes from my appointment last Friday. Not much to report.

• cancelled my appointment last week 'cause I didn't feel up to it; was feeling down and overwhelmed and just felt like staying at home 
• October 30, decided to stop trying to lose weight for the near future (no significance to this date; just happened to come across ChoNunMigookSaram's channel that day and was inspired by her #carefreeblackgirl aura); the weight thing was stressing me out and making me tired all the time, so I've stopped
• Been a slight relief; not as stressed now, but still not comfortable with myself
• started cooking again! that's been nice
• 6 months post-grad and still nothing; sometimes feel like I've failed myself. People would always tell me variations of, "You're going places", "You're going to do great things", "You're going to be great". I'm so great, got these two degrees, but I'm still sitting at my mom's house, working part-time at a bookstore, picking up after rude and lazy people. Maybe I really don't have it like that.
• doing the same actions over and over (sending applications/throwing things into a hole, repetitiveness of my job) and nothing's happening; feeling bored, stifled, trapped, somewhat hopeless
• Extremely hard on myself (supposedly common amongst only children, so Yasmin says. Also the only way I know how to be)
• Shouldn't be so hard on myself, these things take time; need to believe in myself more and become comfortable with myself

Since I've graduated, more and more I'm thinking that I need meds. Sue tried to recommend this to me a number of times but I always refused because 1) "Meds are for crazy people" and 2) I'm already taking three prescriptions for other conditions and I don't want anymore. But nothing is working. Talking to Yasmin, bless her heart, is not working. I don't go outside unless it's for work or an appointment. I don't interact with anyone in person regularly other than Ma and my dog. I've stopped singing again. And it's not that I just don't want to do these things; it's gotten to the point where I can't do them. Being around people is scary, having to perform in front of them (this includes singing and just keeping up a conversation) is terrifying, and having to see or talk to people I know is stressful. Everyday I just feel really heavy and disappointed/ashamed and unmotivated and afraid and tired. So maybe I need meds. But Yasmin's only an intern at this clinic so I know she wouldn't be the one to ask. How should I go about this?

Talking with Yasmin 4

Yesterday's session was a dud. I was feeling really down and didn't want to be there, but went anyway because I knew that I needed to go (plus those late cancellation/no-show fees are no joke). But I got the feeling that Yasmin didn't really want to be there either. I didn't walk away feeling like we'd talked about too many significant things. Eh well. Hopefully next week is better.

• Been keeping yourself from singing because you don't think you sing well enough
• Mastery takes time and hard work; you could probably reach the level that you think these "real artists/musicians" are at; but you're already assuming that even your best will leave too much to be improved upon and it won't be worth it
• When you have a passion, of course you want to be great at it; but give yourself a chance to be your best before you take yourself out of the running!
• ASSIGNMENT for this next week: Do one thing that makes you feel good about yourself. Not something that just enriches your mind or potentially enhances your skillset. Not a wanton distraction. Something, just one thing, that makes you feel good about you.

Talking with Yasmin 3

Friday's session included a lot less crying than usual (woohoo!). Lately I've been thinking a lot about some things, trying to face myself and figure out what I need to be doing. Not any more clearer on any front, but at least it was nice to talk it out.

• Thinking about what Ma said about my focus being misplaced/off (obsessed with and intimidated by end result instead of enacting "whatever it takes" mentality to work through the middle) + things the poets said at the PIA Tour (desiring God, wanting what God wants even if it means letting your own dreams and desires go/take a backseat)
• Talking about God (since I brought it up, Yasmin was allowed to talk about it) 
• I'm always wanting things I'm not ready for
•  No idea what God wants from me; no idea what He's calling me to do
• hard to fully trust that God will make a way if I truly believe, since I don't know where that'll lead me or what I'm supposed to do; too terrifying to consider that it means giving up what I've always wanted
• You have to define what you want out of this life.
• it's about your truth, your passion, what makes you happy; because making Danielle happy is #1
• What's your passion? Your dream?
• singing, writing. Living and working as a singer (band's lead vocalist) in Japan
• talked to Tiffany Toriumi for information/inspiration/encouragement→got into the jazz thing singing at jam sessions, started seeing vocal instructor
• but then started feeling again like I'm just an amateur and everyone else are the "real artists" (plus got my keyboard to tinker around with my songs)→started shrinking back again
• but in the pursuit of your dreams, you'll likely have to be under someone doing grunt work for quiet a while if that's what it's gonna take to get you there
• why're you crying talking about your passions as if you're embarrassed? they should make you excited! if they matter to you, then they matter!
• Yasmin reading You Are an Amazing Woman by Lisa O. Engelhardt to me 
• not overloading yourself by doing too much; you can't do everything
• people respecting/looking up to you, feeling support and light through you, maybe even envying you; you can be/are useful to others
• sisterhood; been burrowing yourself in your own little hole since graduation; maybe should reach out to friends from college
• Too preoccupied with thinking about what you should do with yourself and figuring out what kind of artist you want to be, to be fixated on usual bad feelings about your body! Yay for positive distractions and refocusing!

Talking with Yasmin 2

Today's session had me thinking that maybe I underestimated Yasmin. I'd suspected that she wouldn't be able to handle me with all my issues, but today I learned that she's one of those therapists who talks back. A lot. Not sure if I like this or not yet, but I am impressed. Today we addressed my willfully uneventful weekend, lots of time spent sulking, and for some reason we ended talking about guys? Why I'm not sure. Obviously the point of it wasn't "finding a man will make you happy" or any crap like that. I guess it had more to do with countering this forever-alone-and-single-by-default attitude I've had ever since, well, ever. But I'm not used to talking about guys in relation to me in any way, shape, or form, so it still felt a little off base. Meh.

• The terrible, awful, no-good weekend; had 3 days off Friday-Sunday but instead of taking advantage of it and maybe going to visit friends, just stayed home, down and unmotivated, only leaving the house twice; plus Ma was out of town so it was just you and the dog
• Feeling so bad about your weight and appearance that you don't want to go outside
• not so much about people looking at you/mistreating you/saying mean things (though that does hurt), as it is about not feeling like you measure up
• think so highly of people that you want to be at the same level as them, but feel like you're not because you're "fat" → don't want to be in the way or cramp people's style (be an inconvenience)  → stay inside because you feel undeserving
• Maybe think about dress size rather than weight on the scale? So like, aim for, say, size 10 for now instead of focusing on that ultimate 100-lb wight loss goal? And maybe you don't even need to lose as much as 100 lbs?
• All the things you occasionally like about your body are from the shoulders up (lips, face, complexion, collarbones, curve of shoulders); need to reach a point where that appreciation expands downward to rest of you
• get like your friend Nyasha! bigger girl taking ownership of yourself and how you feel about yourself; loving yourself and treating yourself well regardless of anything else
• Not that you're looking or interested right now. But if, hypothetically, you had a partner/mate who loved you as is, would that help you feel more comfortable accepting yourself? Answer: That could help some but... nah. Would still need some convincing. As long as you're not 100% satisfied, then you still feel like you have a ways to go
• wondering what about you would someone find interesting or appealing? always thought of guys as being someone else you need to convince; another tiring task or obstacle not worth the trouble
• But no, honey. You don't need to convince/persuade/prove anything; a guy could actually meet you today and like you all the more for who and what you are "as is" (Hmm? Hmm...)
• For next week: Do some journaling and bring it in to share. Also, remind Yasmin about reading some book?

Talking with Yasmin 1

Today, after a whole five months of trying to go it alone since my last Session with Sue, I bit the bullet and started seeing a new therapist at an office that my mom found for me. I always prefer to do things myself and then I convince myself that I can handle things solo dolo, but more often than I'd like the results of such efforts prove otherwise. I sooo badly want to be self-sufficient on so many different levels, but life post-graduation is proving slower and more uneventful than I'd dreaded, and I haven't been handling it well. Like at all. At. all. So today I met with a new therapist for the first time. When I contacted this particular psychological clinic through its website, my message went something like this:

"22-year-old recent college grad dealing with depression. Also struggling to feel a sense of purpose/direction in this time of post-graduation uncertainty. Would like someone (a female therapist of color, if available) to help me with these issues, as well as my lack of confidence (mostly due to negative body image). Was seeing a therapist from November 2013 through May 2015."

Yasmin isn't a therapist of color (at least, she doesn't seem to outwardly identify as one), but she's very nice. Her real name's not all that fun to write, so I'm choosing to refer to her as "Yasmin" instead. Today's introductory session included me spilling out my guts. I tried to avoid telling my life story but once I started talking and crying, I couldn't stop talking and crying. She's young─maybe late 20s or early 30s─which in no way means that she doesn't know her stuff. But I'm concerned that I might've overwhelmed her with all my, well, "stuff". Hopefully I don't scare her off. We'll see how next week goes. I'll be journaling again for my own personal benefit, and posting notes from each session here for anyone who'd like to read them. Wish me luck.