Friendship Visions

Last night I dreamt about one of my dear college friends, Esse, whom I haven't had a real conversation with since we graduated back in May of last year. The dream wasn't so eventful, other than that she was extremely fit (fitness had become her new passion in life), and we were somehow settled in to watch some American colonial-era theatrical production, two young modern black women surrounded by colonial-looking audience members (picture white people, big ol' white wigs, lots of lace, ruffles, and wide petticoats). But anywho.

I had that dream and didn't say anything to anyone about it. Then after work today, I go to a local bookstore to blow of some steam and wait out traffic, and my phone starts vibrating. And whose name do I see on the screen when I dig my phone out of my pocket? Esse's! We had the best conversation catching up with each other, shooting the breeze, exchanging ideas about the next moves we want to make in our young lives, what we miss and don't miss (or in my case, will and won't miss) about Michigan. I didn't even have that much steam to blow off today, but nonetheless I felt such great release from chatting with her. Relieved isn't event the word.

It's Friday, I got some new books, and I got to hear the voice of one of my dearest friends. It's so nice to know that people you like still like you back. Thanks to Esse for remembering me, calling me out of the blue, affirming my "vision" from last night (haha) and making my day today!

Scandinavian Black?

Last night I had a dream that I submitted my DNA to find out what my ethnic makeup is. The results came back saying I was 50% Scandinavian, and as illogical as this was, in my dream I was disappointed almost to the point of tears that I wasn't as down-home Black as I'd thought (to my knowledge both sides of my family originate from Alabama). However, when I woke up from that dream this morning, I felt even more motivated to do something that I've been putting off.

For about a year and a half I've been contemplating finding out my ethnic makeup via AncestryDNA, and I've been talking about it to my mom for the past six months or so. The idea didn't fully occur to me as feasible until back in Fall 2014 when the kind owner of a Mexican restaurant politely asked me where I came from, and I didn't have an answer. Finding out where one comes from has a particular significance for many African-Americans (in this case, descendants of Africans enslaved in America), because most of us are oblivious to our origins beyond a few generations. Ties to the motherland were cut, families were split up for profit, and genealogical information was denied us for so long, that most of us were already poised to not know our origins even before our great-great grandparents were born. Certainly, many Black Americans are like my mom; they're not pressed about it. As she put it when I asked her, "If I find out, I find out. If I don't, I don't." And then others are like me.

I remember being in elementary school when we had a "culture day" of sorts, and all the white and other non-black kids were able to bring in food, clothing, and other representative objects from their culture, and all I could do was find an old souvenir that someone had given my family that looked somewhat Indigenous, and passed it off as something that vaguely represented my African heritage. I knew, even as a 1st or 2nd grader then, that ultimately my people came from Africa. But I didn't know much more than that, and I neither questioned it too much nor felt bad about it. I just figured that that was the way things are for Black people. Then I read Alex Haley's Roots in 4th or 5th grade, and ever since then I've been fascinated by the idea of tracing my origins, not out of painful longing so much as out of curiosity.

So now I have a chance to find out, or at least get a clearer idea! And I'm excited about it. I was going to wait until I'd made a little more money (got a new job by the way; more on that later maybe). Coming from someone who abhors spending money, $100 is not an easy amount to spend on a single purchase. But that baffling dream reignited my curiosity (and desire to have genetic proof of my Blackness, haha). I just sent for a kit. Will keep you posted!

OddDreams: Studio session, video shoot, and "You deserve this"

I had this dream sometime last week, and since I still remember it I figured I'd write about it.

Within the span of the same day or two consecutive days, two things happened. First, I saw photos posted on FB of one of my new jazz friends' studio sessions recording her demo. Second, I came across the full version of "It G Ma". Both of those occurrences formed the foundational material of the dream that I'm about to describe to you.

The beginning of my dream was set in an album recording with the incomparabale Scott Gwinnell and a considerable group of other venerable jazz artists. I was the only vocalist there, and everyone treated at me as if I was the woman of the hour, saying things like "You've got chops" and "You deserve this".

Then the dream shifted, and the jazz musicians were replaced with various Korean and Japanese rappers and hip-hop artists. Scott Gwinnell in particular was replaced with Tablo, the frontman of popular and well-respected Korean rap trio Epik High. But even though the vibe and all the people around me changed, they were still treating me like I was the greatest vocalist alive, telling me "You've got this" and "You deserve this".

Then what started as an album recording turned into some sort of film shooting (for a music video? some special artsy film project? I have no idea). And then Karl Lagerfeld pops out of nowhere, looking me up and down and repeatedly patting my hand and my arm, telling me how beautiful I am and repeating what everyone else had previously said, "You deserve this".

And that's all I remember before waking up.

Is this supposed to be my neon green light, my big "GO!" signal? This singing thing, could it actually become a real thing for me? Hmm.

OddDreams: Wedding Day?

Last night I had another one of those dreaded wedding dreams.

I dreamt that I woke up late on the day of my wedding, and I was alone in the house with my dog. Not my  basset hound Madison, mind you, but some random dog that I unquestioningly recognized as being mine.

Everyone was already there at the church waiting; it was as if the wedding was going on without me and I was the only piece missing. And while I was rushing around trying to get myself together, looking at myself from the outside I frantically wondered, Why am I alone? Why is no one here with me? Why did no one wake me up? Why has no one stayed with me to support me and help get me ready? Isn't that the point of having bridesmaids? Not even my mom is here. Where's Ma?

And instead of coming back to the house to check on me or to help me get to the church, people just kept sending me messages through my phone. Texts, Facebook messages, voicemail messages, emails. "Where are you?" "What's the hold up?" "Did you get cold feet?" A variety messages, ranging from lovingly concerned to peeved to disgruntled, but not one friendly face showed up in person to see about me.

Then I couldn't think straight, so I wasted even more time by just sitting next to this new dog of mine, trying to make sense of it all. I'm supposed to get married today? But why? Since when am I getting married? Who am I even marrying? Everybody's waiting on me, but I don't even want to do this. But I don't want to let anyone down. Seriously who arranged all this and who the heck am I supposed to be marrying? I felt like everybody was cognizant of the situation but me. Like I'd been in a coma all the way up to this moment, and first thing upon waking up I had this huge expectation hanging over my head. Time was running out, while people were waiting on me to come through and fulfill some obligation that I'd known nothing about.

So then I called Ma (I guess she was at the church waiting with everyone else) and explained how I didn't think I could go through with it. I tried to make her understand that my reason was, "I'm scared and want out because I don't know what's going on!" But she just took what I said as, "oh, she's scared and wants out because she got cold feet." Even Ma didn't get where I was coming from. Fortunately for me though, she was understanding just like her real-life counterpart, uttering her tried-and-true, "Alright. Well just do what you think is best." So the wedding was cancelled.

Next, to apologize to all the guests who had set aside time and money to be there, I wrote a long Facebook post (seriously? Facebook? I couldn't have even written a letter?) to everybody. In it I expressed something or other about how it wasn't the right time for me, none of it felt right to me, and that one day I most definitely wanted to be a wife and mom who was happily invested and engaged in her family. BUT! I didn't want to live a passionless life (I distinctly remember this word! "passionless"!) doing something that wasn't right for me to do, just because others thought it was "a good fit" or "about time". I threw in some half-hearted words of consolation to the groom but that was just for appearance's sake because, again, I had no idea whotheheck the groom was!

If anything else followed, it must've been of little consequence because all I remember after that is me waking up this morning.

Lord Jesus please, pretty please, can I just get one good dream? Just one simple, uncomplicated, drama-free, good dream? That's all I ask. 'Cause these soap operas and primetime thrillers playing in my head at night are wearing me out!

My Secret French Half-Brother

I had a superbly awesome dream last night! But before I tell you about it, first let me be a little candid about my family for a moment.

My family has recently expanded because... one of my older cousins recently found out that he has a grown 20-something-year-old son that he hadn't known about! This cousin of mine is a deacon, who's married and already has three kids and a grandchild. Scandalous, right? Well, that's what you'd like to think. But after some initial shockwaves once the news had made it all the way through the grapevine, everyone's actually been pretty cool about it. And just this Sunday the family went out to eat in celebration of another cousin's birthday, and this New Long-Lost Cousin, his fiancée, and their two kids were in attendance. No more secrets, no drama, it's all good.

Now. Ma and I had been discussing this last night, and coincidentally I dreamt that I became acquainted with my own secret brother the same age as me! Except.... He was French! Yes, my dad had apparently had a son with a French woman. Which makes no sense considering he's never been to France and I doubt he's ever met a French person in his life, but moving on.

This French half-brother of mine's name started with the letter "M", he was light-skinned, loved hip-hop, liked wearing hoodies and snapbacks, and overall was just an extremely cool dude. And despite the awkward circumstances, we took to each other right away! In this dream, he made his way over to the States from France so that we could bond and he could experience America for the first time, and we were like homies. We got along extremely well, we spoke a mixture of French and English to each other (I learned from him and he learned from me), and we never argued about anything, not even where my dad was concerned.

M was so likeable that he just attracted people to him. So much so that by the end of my dream he had more American friends than I do, despite initially not knowing anyone or being able to speak English very well! My French half-brother was, in short, the bomb.

And I have no shame in admitting that when I woke up from that dream this morning, my first thought was Dang, now I want a long-lost half brother too! Someone to relate to because we're close in age, someone to occasionally rag on my dad with, someone to practice French with, a reason to visit France regularly and actually have a place to stay when I go there... Man. If only that'd been real.

OddDreams: Wedding and Home Intruders

Perhaps this year just happens to be my year for weird dreams. Or maybe it's not that I'm having more odd dreams than usual, but that I'm just remembering more of them and paying more attention than I have before? Recently I watched a short film on TV called Mello's Kaleidoscope, where a woman has dreams that are so strange and vivid that she has difficulty keeping track of what's real and what's not. Her therapist tells her that these dreams are her subconscious trying to tell her something about her fearful fearful aversion toward uncertainty and her detachment from the world and people in it. Watching this film, I was very much reminded of myself.

In addition to my forgotten class dream that I was having seven months ago, there are two other dreams that I've had this year that I felt the need to write about. I don't know what they mean but I can guess why I'm having them. So here goes.

Prepping for My Wedding dream:

I've had this dream twice this semester, as far as I remember. Each time I'm surrounded by people, mostly older than me, who are either telling me what to do or advising me on how a wedding should go and things one must do to prepare. I'm nervous and slightly overwhelmed rather than excited about the wedding. I'm lost and confused, never completely sure what's going on and pretty much following along with what the people around me say. It's like the wedding is a big show or my debut to the world, a duty rife with expectations that I can't get out of. Also, no groom appears in these dreams. I don't even know who he's supposed to be.

The first time I have this dream, I'm informed that I'm expected to sing a song for my groom at the reception and the people around me are trying to decide what song I should sing. But I'm not familiar with any of their suggestions, and I try to learn a few on the spot, but nothing that we come up with works. Thus I end up with nothing to sing.

The second time, it was all about my look and the logistics of my wedding. I can't remember much about the dress part, but there is a big hullabaloo about the logistics. People were getting into pretty serious and heated quibbles about this detail, that detail. I also remember there being either a really important planning meeting or wedding rehearsal (perhaps it was both?).

Keeping People Out of My House dream:

I've had this dream multiple times throughout the year, and the basic structure is always the same. I and people I know and trust (Ma, friends, and some family members) are inside my house. There's an impending danger, so we have to make it seem like no one is home while at the same time preparing for an affront. Who's closing in on us trying to break their way in? Each time it's a different person or group of people, ranging from benign to murderous: my dad, inexplicably malevolent folks on a mission to capture and kill us for no reason, belligerent party-ers and rebel-rousers seeking a new place to wreck stuff, trick-or-treaters, people who just wants take the house from us and make it theirs. And every time, I and my crew prepare as best we can under my direction, closing blinds and covering windows, locking and barricade doors, turning off nearly all the lights, putting people on guard at different parts of the house, and trying our best to be still and quiet. But no one seems to understand the seriousness of the situation like I do, and every time someone messes it up. Someone makes too much noise, or doesn't lock or bolt something properly, or they somehow get tricked into opening the door for someone from the outside and let them in. Whichever way it happens, the plan fails and someone infiltrates the house who shouldn't, and I always wake up before doom or destruction ensues.

If anyone knows anything about how to interpret dreams, please share your knowledge! I will try to do some research of my own to figure out what some of the particular elements might mean. But I'll go ahead and make a lucky guess that what we have here is my anxiety and uncertainty about the future and my general distrust of people at work in my subconscious. 

OddDreams: The Class I Keep Forgetting to Go to

Over the past month or so I've been having this recurring dream where I've completely forgotten about a certain class that I'm enrolled in, and then don't realize I've been missing it until a long time has passed or the semester is almost ending. This fictional class is a Japanese class that is solely about kanji. And oddly enough, it's taught by the professor who taught a Korean history course that I took a year ago.

I remember dreaming about the first day of the semester, where I walked into the classroom (which was abnormally large both in size and headcount), we went through the syllabus and got our first assignments, etc. Then I remember having another dream where I had missed a couple weeks without noticing. I was just going about my normal school day when I suddenly realized, Wait! I have another class, don't I? What's that class again? Oh yeah, the kanji class. Why do I keep forgetting that one? I return to this class, but am overwhelmed and frustrated by how behind I am.

Then, last night I dreamt that I'd completely forgot about the class again. But this time, I have a meeting with the Korean professor who explains to me that it's near the end of the semester (my dream follows the same time frame as my real life), I've missed too much to even think about catching up or getting a decent grade, so I've just been removed from the roster with an "X" on my record. No damage to my GPA, just money lost and time wasted. This professor helps me to arrange to re-enroll in the same class next semester.

The scary thing is that this thing feels really real. The feelings of frustration, confusion, and discouragement that I have in my dream feel really real. I'm serious! It's very unsettling. It's so bad that a couple times I've woken up and had to run through this semester's schedule in my head just to be sure that I haven't missed anything, that there's no extra class hiding in my brain that's just been escaping me all semester.

 I don't know what any of this means.