Last night I had another one of those dreaded wedding dreams.
I dreamt that I woke up late on the day of my wedding, and I was alone in the house with my dog. Not my basset hound Madison, mind you, but some random dog that I unquestioningly recognized as being mine.
Everyone was already there at the church waiting; it was as if the wedding was going on without me and I was the only piece missing. And while I was rushing around trying to get myself together, looking at myself from the outside I frantically wondered, Why am I alone? Why is no one here with me? Why did no one wake me up? Why has no one stayed with me to support me and help get me ready? Isn't that the point of having bridesmaids? Not even my mom is here. Where's Ma?
And instead of coming back to the house to check on me or to help me get to the church, people just kept sending me messages through my phone. Texts, Facebook messages, voicemail messages, emails. "Where are you?" "What's the hold up?" "Did you get cold feet?" A variety messages, ranging from lovingly concerned to peeved to disgruntled, but not one friendly face showed up in person to see about me.
Then I couldn't think straight, so I wasted even more time by just sitting next to this new dog of mine, trying to make sense of it all. I'm supposed to get married today? But why? Since when am I getting married? Who am I even marrying? Everybody's waiting on me, but I don't even want to do this. But I don't want to let anyone down. Seriously who arranged all this and who the heck am I supposed to be marrying? I felt like everybody was cognizant of the situation but me. Like I'd been in a coma all the way up to this moment, and first thing upon waking up I had this huge expectation hanging over my head. Time was running out, while people were waiting on me to come through and fulfill some obligation that I'd known nothing about.
So then I called Ma (I guess she was at the church waiting with everyone else) and explained how I didn't think I could go through with it. I tried to make her understand that my reason was, "I'm scared and want out because I don't know what's going on!" But she just took what I said as, "oh, she's scared and wants out because she got cold feet." Even Ma didn't get where I was coming from. Fortunately for me though, she was understanding just like her real-life counterpart, uttering her tried-and-true, "Alright. Well just do what you think is best." So the wedding was cancelled.
Next, to apologize to all the guests who had set aside time and money to be there, I wrote a long Facebook post (seriously? Facebook? I couldn't have even written a letter?) to everybody. In it I expressed something or other about how it wasn't the right time for me, none of it felt right to me, and that one day I most definitely wanted to be a wife and mom who was happily invested and engaged in her family. BUT! I didn't want to live a passionless life (I distinctly remember this word! "passionless"!) doing something that wasn't right for me to do, just because others thought it was "a good fit" or "about time". I threw in some half-hearted words of consolation to the groom but that was just for appearance's sake because, again, I had no idea whotheheck the groom was!
If anything else followed, it must've been of little consequence because all I remember after that is me waking up this morning.
Lord Jesus please, pretty please, can I just get one good dream? Just one simple, uncomplicated, drama-free, good dream? That's all I ask. 'Cause these soap operas and primetime thrillers playing in my head at night are wearing me out!
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