Friday, April 24, 2015

Sessions with Sue 37

It's funny that Sue warned me about withdrawing last Friday, because by Sunday I'd succumbed to one of my triggers, and all this week I've been withdrawing like nobody's business. Meanwhile feeling so tired, unmotivated, depressed, alone, scared, ashamed, sorry, unable to concentrate. And disappointed in myself for falling back. But today's session was wonderful because as downtrodden as I was, I made the decision to voice my feelings honestly. I wouldn't say that I usually keep too much from Sue, but often I'll lightly touch on or just hint at what I'm feeling about something, rather than actually digging deeply into it. But today, even though I dreaded her being disappointed in me for detouring from the high road (which is stupid, because she never reacts that way) I spoke from the heart about all the darkness that's been going on in my head this week. Here goes:
  •  Been withdrawing all week; depressed for the usual reasons; not feeling like doing anything, not wanting to be around anyone; staying in your room except for when you have to go to class
  • This is concerning because usually when you withdraw, you get more depressed; seems safer, easier, and less trouble, but it actually hurts more than it helps; sometimes good things can come from you going out and doing something even though you don't feel like it. 
  • Try to think positively, distract yourself, pull yourself up, but it doesn't work; feels like a film is over your eyes or a cloud is over your head, and since you can't make it go away you just wait for it to pass; could take a couple hours, could take a few weeks
    • That's clinical depression;  it's your brain chemistry, and often no amount of willpower is a match for it
  • Sue thinks it's time to seriously consider medication; find a psychiatrist back home to walk you through it. When she first suggested it back when you started meeting, you were totally against it. But even though you're not the same person as back then and you've been trying really hard for the past year and a half, emotionally you keep returning to the same low place. Sue only has a couple more times with you and wants to make sure that you'll be taking care of yourself after you leave
  • Sue shares her own story of being on an anti-depressant for the past 20 years because of her own experiences and family history;  put it in a different perspective to show that medication is not for "crazy people"; there are plenty of smart, capable people out there, even therapists, who still need help to feel their best selves and stay at a stable level
    • Maybe you could just try it for a little while and see how it works
  • Always feel like you can't have the things you want, like you have to just settle for what you can get because your dreams and passions are off limits to you; feel like you're outside the world and not like other people who can make things happen for themselves; feel powerless and like there's no place for you, and that the world is leaving you behind
  • But there is a place for you, and you have so much to offer the world;  you just haven't found that place yet
  • Your depression/anxiety are intensified by the transitional and uncertain period that you're nearing; you'd figured that this time would be scary or difficult but hadn't expected yourself to react the way you have
  • Can't just be open to what life brings and wait for whatever comes like others can, because being open to the elements like that is terrifying for you; fear has paralyzed and crushed you, and you feel disappointed in yourself for reacting in this way; but you're still doing your best and still doing some good things to cope
  • Thinking about this time 4 years ago, graduating from high school, bummed about not being able to get away to some prestigious school in.a big city; like now, you also felt bitter and directionless, like your life was over before it started. But you made it work at MSU, and if you were able to do that, you can find a way to make the next thing work
  • Balance (tug of war?) between wanting to be different from other people but still wanting to be liked by them (to feel accepted/welcomed,  to feel like you're likeable and are worth being around)
  • Music; a passion that you kinda dipped your toe into at school; but maybe coming home you could get more involved with it, and that'll help turn things around for you

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