Session with Sue 39 (FINAL)

Alas, my year and a half journey with Sue has come to an end! Today (Monday) was our last session. Of course, I still have a ways to go. But having someone to talk to has made all the difference, and I'm going to miss it. A million thanks and blessings to you, Sue, for guiding me along this journey. I'm eternally grateful for all the work you do, and for all you've done for me along the way. For anyone interested in knowing about Sue, visit her profile here. For more about the office she works for, Diversity Psychological Services, visit their website here.

• What would you say has been your best and worse year(s) in college?
• Best: junior year, the fullest year; tried a lot of different things, met some really good people, and went through some really good changes
• Worst: freshman and senior year; both transitional years in which I was stressed out and terrified about being in a new situation/not knowing what was to come
• What would you want to get out of therapy if you were to find someone to talk to back home?
• Learning to affirm for myself that I can make my dreams happen, even while pursuing something practical to sustain myself in the meantime; Not feeling bad and disappointed in myself about having to be back home in the first place (not harping on it or punishing myself for it, etc.); Working on listening to my wiser mind and not isolating myself just because I "don't feel like" doing anything/going anywhere/being around anybody; Feeling good about myself apart from weight loss
• Maybe look for a black woman as your next therapist?  Have that extra commonality/connection that will might help progress? Maybe it won't make a difference either way, but it's something to consider
• What Sue wants for you most is a solid sense of community; where you feel you belong and can trust people with all that you are
• When you feel confident about your skills/what you can do, the more likely you are to feel like you belong in whatever setting you happen to be in
• Ma researching info about clinical depression and trying to find a psychological office for you; shows how she's committed to expanding her knowledge and understanding so she can support you even more than she already has.
• Pastor Marvin's message about passivity this past Saturday; you want to become more vocal so you don't keep as much to yourself; converse more with people and let people know more about how you feel and what you're thinking; be more open and honest → more active than passive
• You have thoughts, opinions, ideas, convictions, strong feelings; what you've got going on up there is worth saying out loud; hopefully you'll find a way to share it, even if it's just with one person (like your new therapist, perhaps)

Sessions with Sue 38

Since the last session I decided to ease up on myself a little, and it's helped me to start feeling somewhat stable again. Today's was a much lighter conversation:

• Decided to stop trying to lose weight for the time being until you get settled back home after graduation; still disappointed in how you look, but it's taken the edge off
• Already not feeling like hanging out with anybody back home; don't want to have to face them and tell them what you're not doing
• Mental health care back home; you have options! Could be a licensced therapist or psychologist/psychiatrist, but it doesn't have to be; could even consider a life coach
• Still don't like the idea of taking any sort of medication, but will keep it on the table as an option if need be in the future
• It would be too easy for you to just stay in the house with the dog after you get home; going out, doing things, and spending time with people are what'll really make the difference this summer, and that's up to you

Sessions with Sue 37

It's funny that Sue warned me about withdrawing last Friday, because by Sunday I'd succumbed to one of my triggers, and all this week I've been withdrawing like nobody's business. Meanwhile feeling so tired, unmotivated, depressed, alone, scared, ashamed, sorry, unable to concentrate. And disappointed in myself for falling back. But today's session was wonderful because as downtrodden as I was, I made the decision to voice my feelings honestly. I wouldn't say that I usually keep too much from Sue, but often I'll lightly touch on or just hint at what I'm feeling about something, rather than actually digging deeply into it. But today, even though I dreaded her being disappointed in me for detouring from the high road (which is stupid, because she never reacts that way) I spoke from the heart about all the darkness that's been going on in my head this week. Here goes:

•  Been withdrawing all week; depressed for the usual reasons; not feeling like doing anything, not wanting to be around anyone; staying in your room except for when you have to go to class
• This is concerning because usually when you withdraw, you get more depressed; seems safer, easier, and less trouble, but it actually hurts more than it helps; sometimes good things can come from you going out and doing something even though you don't feel like it. 
• Try to think positively, distract yourself, pull yourself up, but it doesn't work; feels like a film is over your eyes or a cloud is over your head, and since you can't make it go away you just wait for it to pass; could take a couple hours, could take a few weeks
• That's clinical depression;  it's your brain chemistry, and often no amount of willpower is a match for it
• Sue thinks it's time to seriously consider medication; find a psychiatrist back home to walk you through it. When she first suggested it back when you started meeting, you were totally against it. But even though you're not the same person as back then and you've been trying really hard for the past year and a half, emotionally you keep returning to the same low place. Sue only has a couple more times with you and wants to make sure that you'll be taking care of yourself after you leave
• Sue shares her own story of being on an anti-depressant for the past 20 years because of her own experiences and family history;  put it in a different perspective to show that medication is not for "crazy people"; there are plenty of smart, capable people out there, even therapists, who still need help to feel their best selves and stay at a stable level
• Maybe you could just try it for a little while and see how it works
• Always feel like you can't have the things you want, like you have to just settle for what you can get because your dreams and passions are off limits to you; feel like you're outside the world and not like other people who can make things happen for themselves; feel powerless and like there's no place for you, and that the world is leaving you behind
• But there is a place for you, and you have so much to offer the world;  you just haven't found that place yet
• Your depression/anxiety are intensified by the transitional and uncertain period that you're nearing; you'd figured that this time would be scary or difficult but hadn't expected yourself to react the way you have
• Can't just be open to what life brings and wait for whatever comes like others can, because being open to the elements like that is terrifying for you; fear has paralyzed and crushed you, and you feel disappointed in yourself for reacting in this way; but you're still doing your best and still doing some good things to cope
• Thinking about this time 4 years ago, graduating from high school, bummed about not being able to get away to some prestigious school in.a big city; like now, you also felt bitter and directionless, like your life was over before it started. But you made it work at MSU, and if you were able to do that, you can find a way to make the next thing work
• Balance (tug of war?) between wanting to be different from other people but still wanting to be liked by them (to feel accepted/welcomed,  to feel like you're likeable and are worth being around)
• Music; a passion that you kinda dipped your toe into at school; but maybe coming home you could get more involved with it, and that'll help turn things around for you

Sessions with Sue 36

Another week has passed, and I'm still feeling pretty stable. For now I'm just trying to be "okay" and keep it that way until I can progress to "good". Here are my notes from today's session:

• Having to go back to what you thought you should have been leaving behind (home); you're making peace with it but it still needles you a bit; still feel somewhat disappointed and insecure
• Maybe go on a trip/road trip somewhere during your time off?
• Taking advantage of the opportunity to sort through all your options; people have told you for the longest that "you're going places" and "you'll be able to write your own ticket"; now you just have to figure out which ticket you want to write 
• Just because you're going back to your mom's house doesn't mean you have to go back to being a little girl; don't have to do everything together or do things the same way she does like before
• Be careful of when you feel the urge to withdraw, because when you start withdrawing, you start sinking lower and lower

Sessions with Sue 35

Perhaps it's safe to say I'm on the mend? I guess it's more apt to say I'm on an upswing lately, as life is all about ebbs and flows. But yeah, I'm feeling better. Just trying to stay solid with being "alright" for now. Here are my notes from last Friday's session:

• "I'm going home to decompress for a while and then I'll figure something out from there". Lately you've been saying that to people just to deflect from how bad you feel about not having any plans.  But it actually sounds a lot better than, "I'm just going home." Puts it in much better perspective for you.
• Convo with Tiffany Toriumi gave you hope that singing in Japan is possible for you; helped you have the courage to pursue things after school ends that you've been hesitant about during school (vocal lessons, music workshops,  choirs, etc.)
• working on maturing musically, working at losing weight and feeling good about your body; those actually sound really productive as summer projects/goals
• After having two shows booked to zero shows booked; having the open mic night go well was very validating for you as a performer
• plus having friends come out to support even though you hadn't asked them to, and even weren't sure if y'all were really friends anymore (thought they'd forgotten about you)
• Notion of not getting into something right away as being akin to "drifting off into nothingness," as that former classmate of yours put it... Hearing that got to you a little bit. But that's not necessarily where you're headed. 
• Sure, maybe you don't have a clear direction and can't give answers to that same set of questions people keep asking you right now. But just because you don't have something now doesn't mean you won't have something later. You not having a future isn't a forgone conclusion

Sessions with Sue 34

This past Thursday's session was pretty similar to the last, since just like last week I've been brooding about entering the abyss of graduating-with-no-prospects-and-moving-back-home-with-my-mom-with-nothing-to-look-forward-to-and-feeling-pretty-ashamed-about-it-all. Even the excitement and hope spurred by my Phi Beta Kappa invitation faded within a day, as a dear high school friend's grad school acceptance announcement (along with many other similar "Hey! Look! I have a future!" announcements made by people around me) reminded me that at present, I'm still going nowhere in life:

•  Year-end academic award ceremonies; know you worked hard but don't feel like you deserve an award for it, given that you feel you're just going back to where you started at the end of the day. But that's your assessment of yourself, that's not how others see it; that's not how people who want to recognize you see it
• Sure, a high GPA with honors, Phi Beta Kappa, even two degrees won't buy you the future you want. But it does say something about how you've spent these four years.
• Not satisfied about what you haven't done, but maybe you can be someone who serves as an example and inspiration to others through what you have done academically
•  Always thinking about having something to prove, but maybe people are already looking up to you, and maybe even more would be able to learn from you if they saw you and  knew your story
• You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from asking for what you want
• Pride real hurt right now; you can be sad/disappointed about the way things turned out yet still be proud of what you've achieved at the same time
• Going home to spend time winding down and working on yourself probably makes the most sense considering the condition you're in right now; not ideal, but may actually be vital

Sessions with Sue 33

So, my doctor's appointment on Monday was horrible and overall it's been just a really rough, dark, heavy week. So yesterday we mostly talked about what happened and how depressed I've been (mostly for the usual reasons). We also talked about the unfortunate prospect of me having to move back in with my mom after graduation, and how I feel really bitter and ashamed about it:

• Prospect of having to go home after graduation is seeming more and more like a definite; and you're disappointed; but instead of seeing it as having failed, think of it as extending the incubation period that college has been
• This could actually be very productive, constructive, and benefical for you; time to work on yourself/get back to yourself after having been under so much pressure in school, in a comfortable setting, without having to worry about living expenses and the stresses of adjusting to a new place
• Made a list of all the things you could do and it's helped it not seem so bad, even though it's anything but ideal
• Find another therapist back at home to talk to after graduation?
• Even after all this time, you still have very strong ideas about what you "should" be; I should look like this, I should have accomplished this, etc... And you really want to live up to those things; inconceivable to you that you might be ok the way you are now, or that the way things are at present is acceptable
• Equating your weight with your future (or lack thereof), feeling doomed because you haven't been able to lose the weight yet; sure it's a part of how you look on the outside, but it's not you. It's not who you are, it's not all there is to you; really it's not everything though it feels like it is
• it doesn't negate all the good things about you!

Sessions with Sue 32

Our session on Wednesday was a fairly normal one. Not as eye-opening as the last, but still a good conversation. I spent most of the time just filling Sue in on my spring break in New Orleans and whatever else has happened in the past couple of weeks. Below are the only notes that I took:

• Hanging out with the girls in New Orleans was fun but puzzling; Don't have much experience with social interactions, which is why you're surprised when people are nice to you, especially people you don't know (why are they being nice to me? why are they letting me join in? they don't find me boring? I'm not cramping their style?) ; you feel overly grateful as if they're doing you a favor
• When you see the endocrinologist on Monday about why you're not losing weight despite lifestyle changes/discipline/ a lot of hard work since December, make sure you tell her how depressed it's making you feel; you might think it's irrelevant and that doctors are only concerned about the "medical" part, but if she's a good doctor she'll understand that the physical and the mental are a packaged deal

Sessions with Sue 31

Today's session was fantastic! Well it was in retrospect, once the irritation in my eyes and the crying-induced migraine passed. I'd like to say that I had what one would call a "breakthrough". I've been really depressed lately mostly due to my weight/appearance/stalled weight loss progress, but in our session we instead discussed difficulties with the job search and my trepidation about the future. Through this avenue we struck a key issue of mine: my fixation with needing to be special. And this goes wayyy back, probably all the way back to elementary school. Ever since elementary school people would commend me for doing things well, and I enjoyed being a high-achiever, and so it became cemented in my mind that Deela is someone who does things well. I have to live up to that. I have to always do things well, I have to excel because that's just what Deela does. I guess I was lying when I told Ma that I didn't want to be admired by others.

• Always felt like you needed to be special, different from others, remarkable, recognized and remembered for doing/being the extraordinary
• That's what makes this time difficult; feeling like you're 22, graduating from college, and haven't done anything great, all you've managed to be is just a regular student. Or being reminded through this so-far unsuccessful job search process that you're just one of many again
• Want to be set apart, yet you're plagued by the awareness that there are always others who can do things better than you; you're setting yourself up for an extreme that you can't reach
• Even just a little networking is something you'll have to do; but just because it's contrary to your nature or you haven't done much of it doesn't mean all is lost; the work you've done still counts for something
• What's wrong with being a regular, typical person? Would that really be so bad?
• Contentment equals complacency, stagnancy, giving up in your mind; just accepting the way things are feels like admitting defeat
• But being content with where you are in life and working toward something greater do not have to be mutually exclusive
• Even though you're not looking forward to graduation, one thing to consider is that you'll no longer have anything expected of you in the way of readings and assignments. Your time will be yours again; you can focus more on what Deela wants instead of always feeling like you can't sacrifice the time to do anything that deviates from the to-do list
• Very results-oriented person; rather than just going along with journey, or taking comfort in the idea that you're exactly where you're supposed to be, or doing something simply because you enjoy it and it interest you, you're concerned with whether it will yield favorable results or not
• You're right, from here on out the trajectory of your life depends on you; open-ended, no prescribed route, and that's terrifying; but maybe you could just pick something and see how it goes, rather than agonizing over whether it's exactly the best or right choice

Sessions with Sue 30

It's been two weeks since our last session, so today we mainly just talked about what's been going on since then, which isn't much. During the latter half we focused most on my concerns about the future/life post-grad. Part of the reason why I'm not enjoying the ride as many seniors in their last semester are is because I'm focused on being prepared for the future and constantly feel like I haven't done enough. Perhaps I didn't do the right things or make the right choices, otherwise I might have something lined up by now, I'm obviously not doing something right, what's going to happen to me, I don't wanna have to move back in with my mom, I don't want to end up not getting anywhere or not making anything of myself... blahdeblahblah. And this worrying is tied to my longstanding habit of not spending much time reveling in my accomplishments; instead I tend to diminish them either via comparison or my age-old theory that one can always do better:

• People ask you if you're excited about graduating/graduation and that question doesn't make sense to you. You wonder what that's supposed to mean. "What's there to be excited about? How can one be excited when there's so much to be done and to prepare for?", you say
• You're right, in theory people can always do more, do better, be better. But in reality, most of the time they don't. However much they've done is however much they've done, and that's it. Plus, people tend to try to do things with the least amount of effort or sacrificed required as possible. But these past four years you haven't been doing any of that half-stepping.
• Two degrees, two languages, two study abroad experiences, three internships, 3.9 GPA, honors distinction, all in four years.You did that all on your own. No one did that for you; you did that. And you should be proud of yourself, even if you're not sure that you've done enough, and even if what's next is still up in the air
• When your family comes to graduation, let them be excited for you! Let them celebrate your accomplishments without you trying to squash it or quiet it down.

Sessions with Sue 29

Maybe I spoke too soon? Because today's session felt slightly same ol' again. But I'm keeping my hopes up! Today we discussed how depressed I was Monday and Tuesday and how things turned around Tuesday night through a set of fortunate events, the job interview I have coming up on Friday, and my dad harrassing me (yes, still):

• Having meaningful and lighthearted interactions with people often does make you feel better, even on those dark days when you'd rather retreat and hide, and even if it's awkward or uncomfortable at first
• Your thoughts create your feelings, so consciously try to replace those negative thoughts when they come with ones that make you feel happy
• Like instead of thinking about how dumb your French linguistics class makes you feel, think about how calm and fulfilled you feel when you walk dogs through the woods at the shelter

Sessions with Sue 28

This past Friday went so much better than the last session, which was encouraging given the concerns I've been having! We mostly talked about the career fair/events that I went to, my meeting Shay and our subsequent open mic night deal (I got her to sing last Tuesday so next Tuesday I have to do it!), my weight woes, and of course, my dad harrassing me through text and voicemail:

• Part of frustration you're having with your weight and your dad is that they're out of your control
• doing what you've been told are all the right things, but weight's not coming off
• been ignoring your dad for four months and haven't done anything to antagonize him, but he still won't leave you alone. 
• For you, your dad's like the dark spot in your life; try to forget about it but it always resurfaces; it's like it's always on your back
• that you feel this way indicates that it's unresolved (?); not doing anything or engaging with him at all is probably fine for now; but at some pint you'll have to figure out how you'll handle this thing for the long run

Sessions with Sue 27

It took me a week to write this because I don't really have anything to say about our first session of the semester last Friday the 23rd. All I did was basically catch Sue up on what's happened in my life during the four or five weeks that've passed since our last session.

You know, since starting in November 2013 I'd always assumed that I would need to be in therapy until I graduate. I figured I'd need to get all the help I could get, since after graduating I'll leave the area and thus be left to deal with my issues on my own without anyone to talk to in depth. (The idea of getting to know a new therapist and having to recount my life story allll over again seems too daunting to be worth it.) But for the past couple months I feel like we've just been chatting. No grand discoveries, epiphanies, or the like. Just talking for talking's sake (and because I never consider cancelling until it's too late, and she needs to be paid). So now I'm wondering how long I actually need to continue counseling.

However, despite my concerns (doubts? boredom?) I think I'll stick with it for now. It gives me a reason to get out during the day on Fridays, since I don't have class. Plus, even if it just feels like chatting, it's still an opportunity for me to actively have a conversation with someone, which isn't something I do often during the week since I largely stay to myself. We'll see if I change my mind, but I guess for now I'm okay with the same ol' same ol'.

Sessions with Sue 26

Nothing to report this time, no notes to share. I'm just looking forward to this month-long break and next semester, so I can start being a person again and get back to doing things that make me happy. Take advantage of the free time it looks like I'll have. Try to take it easy, or at least easy-er. Not be so tired and stressed out all the time. Not be so hard on myself. Maybe even start looking forward to good things instead of only bracing for the bad ones. Who knows. Just a few more days and I can leave this all behind me and work on starting over.

See you in January, Sue.

Sessions with Sue 25

To be honest this session was kind of boring. We talked about some pretty banal things, and the whole time I wanted to move the conversation along to something more interesting but I couldn't think of anything. I had this nagging feeling that I had something more meaningful and pressing that needed to be addressed, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was and thus couldn't express it, so I just settled for the convo that transpired. Today's sessions was one of those that I have to walk away from reminding myself that at least I have someone to talk to and I got some more practice voicing my thoughts and feelings, instead of being frustrated about how little I think was achieved. A few points:

• Kinda weird/sad, but i almost enjoy being sick because it forces me to take it easy; the only time where I feel like I have an excuse not to do too much or push myself as hard
• Friend who graduated a year early this May just got her first "real job" after 5 months of being (presumably) unemployed. Maybe ask her how she did it and what it's like on the other side?
• The idea of "networking" seems disingenuous to you; don't want to be a user
• But people feel good when you approach them as if they have knowledge or information that you want; it's actually like a compliment/gift you're giving to them; After all, people like to talk about themselves!
• And one day you'll pay it forward when someone approaches you in the same way.

Also, next Wednesday (Nov. 26th) makes one year that I've been going to see Sue. But since I won't be meeting her again until the first week of December, before leaving tonight I gave her a "Thank You" card that I'd written. Listening to me, giving me advice, and encouraging me is her job, but I appreciate her for it nonetheless.

Sessions with Sue 24

I had a random nightmare about my dad this week so we spent quite a bit of time during today's session talking about that, as well as revisiting the main incident that shattered my childhood and led me to be afraid of my dad in the first place. We also discussed me and my mom's personality differences and other dreams that I've been having:

• The nightmare I had about Dad trying to kill Ma and me; woke up at 5am Thursday morning and called Ma terrified and crying; been having these dreams every now and then for the past 14 or 15 years and they always come out of the blue
• How the court/justice system failed you and your mom when handling the divorce case
• It's hard looking back as your adult self on how much your mom went through during that time that you hadn't even known about
•  The logical part of your mom's brain is more developed than yours, and the emotional part of your brain is more developed than hers. She doesn't feel things as deeply as you do and is not expressive of her feelings or opinions. 
• She has a very logical, cut-and-dry reaction to things, which can make her seem flat to you. But it's not that she's flat, that's just how she is. She's just different from you.
• Transitional dreams (scary, monstrous, murderous dad / forgotten class / prepping for wedding / keeping people out of your house); your brain's been working really hard this year to deal with your issues of anxiety and control, and to also prepare you for what's coming ahead
• Talking about "That Night" back in 2000; trauma; maybe look into specialized treatment (EMDR?)
• You never really talk about your dad or about what happened with others; you keep most things about you to yourself in general
• In the future as you're trying to form friendships/relationships and be understood or relatable to others, it might be good to bring him up not as the dark spot in your life that you're ashamed of, but just as a part of your story

Sessions with Sue 23

Today we talked about what a terribly stressful and miserable semester I'm having, as well as my uncertainty in regard to the future. So basically nothing new. But we did broach the subject of time, which is a very unhealthy fixation of mine. Here are the few notes that I wrote:

• Your obsession with time−losing it, (mis)managing it, not wasting it, never having enough of it, accomplishing as much as you should, not missing out−where did this come from?
•  Living a straight, strict, and narrow life to compensate for what you felt lacking and to make you feel better than others
• Now you're sad because after all these years not only did it not get you what you wanted, but you've also stifled and pigeonholed yourself
• Potential placement in Japan; years-long dream of moving abroad vs. facing the reality of it as it approaches; understandable apprehensions; it's going to be risky no matter where you go or how/with what job you get there
• You're a very singularly-focused person. It's not that you can't do and accomplish multiple things at onece. But when you focus on something you feel like you have to put everything into it and can't deviate form it, thus it's hard for you to spread that energy, effort, and time over to other things that might be just as worthwhile
• Try your best to be kind to yourself this weekend.

Sessions with Sue 22

Below are the notes from last Friday's session (October 31st). We continued to discuss the funk that I've been in, in addition to touching on recent disagreements with my mom, self-forgiveness, and forgoing so-called "important" celebrations:

• A continued dark and difficult time; thoughts that aren't helping you and are keeping you down, stuck; How do we unstick you?
• Being disappointed and frustrated in learning more about your mom and how she thinks; recognizing that two awesome people can and will have different paths, that what works for her won't necessarily work for you
• You have a hard time with not forgiving yourself for things not going the way you planned or wanted; for not transforming or becoming the person you hoped you'd be
• Not wanting to walk/attend graduation; might do you well to risk disappointing your mom in making such a decision for yourself
• Not wanting to celebrate your birthday this year, feeling old and unaccomplished. But birthdays aren't about what great things people have or haven't done. They're about celebrating you being born and the value you have by virtue of simply being on Earth.

Sessions with Sue 21

I kept forgetting to write about our session from two weeks ago (Friday the 17th), so I'll share my notes from that session before talking about this Friday's. We mostly discussed the things that I'm disappointed in myself about, which are the main reason why I've been so down lately. We also talked a little about my dad:

• In high school when you'd  envisioned your college self you thought and hoped you'd transform, blossom; be more social and especially not graduate fat; disappointed in yourself because you didn't turn out as you'd hoped.
• You're gonna need to forgive yourself for that because losing weight takes time, determination, and prioritization that you just don't have right now; plus you're not at all bad like you feel you are
• What else about your college life hasn't turned out the way you wanted?
• Concerned about how you'll structure your day once you're out of school; what will be at the center? If you focus all that energy and drive that you put toward school into things that you've wanted to do all this time (music, writing, transforming your body and lifestyle) you'll probably be able to do it
• Sometimes when you talk you don't sound as if you feel in charge of your life.
• Dad; here you have a man who─though he doesn't know how to─seems to love you a lot. But he does it so poorly, awkwardly, and selfishly.
• You can't fix, help, or change your dad. But you'd thought that if you just let him know how you felt and said all you needed to say, he'd understand. But he didn't, and that was a great and painful disappointment to you.
• One of those ugly lessons of life and growing up: Sometimes no matter what you say, how you say it, or how many times you say it, if the other person isn't listening, they won't understand
• Wellness plan and needs; setting aside intentional time to be social with others.

Sessions with Sue 20

This session was yesterday, another deviation from our regular Friday. We mostly talked about artistry, my future and of course, my dad.

• "A Night of Poetry" and what I learned
•  Ebony Stewart's advice about being true to yourself and owning up to you being a human being who's still working through stuff... people will dig that, will feel and respond to that. And even if they don't, what's more is that it makes your work more genuine and authentic
• Song and poetry are linked; adapt the poet's strategy to performing; maybe I can't fully get with the idea of performing/entertaining in terms of putting on a show to impress people, but I could get with the idea of telling and sharing stories; and that way even te largest arena can be made an intimate space
•  You could always be reading/studying/doing something "productive"; but it's important for you to take time to do enjoyable and fun things anyway
• On career prospects; Sue was trying to think of how she could help me see that there's something out there for me; recommends Indeed.com
• Sue: You'll end up with more options and possibilities than you'll know what to do with; I see you as incredibly capable and talented young woman with so much potential, yet has so many doubts about what's ahead of her
• gotta own who you are, especially the good parts; and no one can give you that, you have to grow into that
• experiences like going to Japan and France grew you in ways that just being at school couldn't; going off somewhere new after you graduate (as opposed to just going home) could be good for you in the same way
• Still not talking to Dad; even if you do decide to not have anything to do with him anymore for now; leave a small window open in case you change your mind down the line
• About your dad being afraid toward you/not knowing what to do or say, how to act around you
• Maybe he assumed or was to scared that he'd fumble, mess up, not do things right/perfectly that he decided to not do anything at all? Distanced and eventually removed himself from the ewuation before he could fail (which he did anyway)? [Me: sound familiar?]
• Worried about doing or saying the right things when all he had to do was be there
• Dad's so caught up in how he feels and his discomfort toward difficult situations that he can't see anything else [Me: sound familiar?]
• Being able to take your child's resentment/acting out/hurtful words or behavior and still move toward them and say "I love you anyway"; that's a courage in parenting that Ma seemed to have but Dad didn't and still doesn't