Friday, February 27, 2015

Sessions with Sue 31

Today's session was fantastic! Well it was in retrospect, once the irritation in my eyes and the crying-induced migraine passed. I'd like to say that I had what one would call a "breakthrough". I've been really depressed lately mostly due to my weight/appearance/stalled weight loss progress, but in our session we instead discussed difficulties with the job search and my trepidation about the future. Through this avenue we struck a key issue of mine: my fixation with needing to be special. And this goes wayyy back, probably all the way back to elementary school. Ever since elementary school people would commend me for doing things well, and I enjoyed being a high-achiever, and so it became cemented in my mind that Deela is someone who does things well. I have to live up to that. I have to always do things well, I have to excel because that's just what Deela does. I guess I was lying when I told Ma that I didn't want to be admired by others.

  • Always felt like you needed to be special, different from others, remarkable, recognized and remembered for doing/being the extraordinary
  • That's what makes this time difficult; feeling like you're 22, graduating from college, and haven't done anything great, all you've managed to be is just a regular student. Or being reminded through this so-far unsuccessful job search process that you're just one of many again
  • Want to be set apart, yet you're plagued by the awareness that there are always others who can do things better than you; you're setting yourself up for an extreme that you can't reach
  • Even just a little networking is something you'll have to do; but just because it's contrary to your nature or you haven't done much of it doesn't mean all is lost; the work you've done still counts for something
  • What's wrong with being a regular, typical person? Would that really be so bad?
  • Contentment equals complacency, stagnancy, giving up in your mind; just accepting the way things are feels like admitting defeat
  • But being content with where you are in life and working toward something greater do not have to be mutually exclusive
  • Even though you're not looking forward to graduation, one thing to consider is that you'll no longer have anything expected of you in the way of readings and assignments. Your time will be yours again; you can focus more on what Deela wants instead of always feeling like you can't sacrifice the time to do anything that deviates from the to-do list
  • Very results-oriented person; rather than just going along with journey, or taking comfort in the idea that you're exactly where you're supposed to be, or doing something simply because you enjoy it and it interest you, you're concerned with whether it will yield favorable results or not
  • You're right, from here on out the trajectory of your life depends on you; open-ended, no prescribed route, and that's terrifying; but maybe you could just pick something and see how it goes, rather than agonizing over whether it's exactly the best or right choice

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