Friday, October 16, 2015

Talking with Yasmin 2

Today's session had me thinking that maybe I underestimated Yasmin. I'd suspected that she wouldn't be able to handle me with all my issues, but today I learned that she's one of those therapists who talks back. A lot. Not sure if I like this or not yet, but I am impressed. Today we addressed my willfully uneventful weekend, lots of time spent sulking, and for some reason we ended talking about guys? Why I'm not sure. Obviously the point of it wasn't "finding a man will make you happy" or any crap like that. I guess it had more to do with countering this forever-alone-and-single-by-default attitude I've had ever since, well, ever. But I'm not used to talking about guys in relation to me in any way, shape, or form, so it still felt a little off base. Meh.
  • The terrible, awful, no-good weekend; had 3 days off Friday-Sunday but instead of taking advantage of it and maybe going to visit friends, just stayed home, down and unmotivated, only leaving the house twice; plus Ma was out of town so it was just you and the dog
  • Feeling so bad about your weight and appearance that you don't want to go outside
    • not so much about people looking at you/mistreating you/saying mean things (though that does hurt), as it is about not feeling like you measure up
    • think so highly of people that you want to be at the same level as them, but feel like you're not because you're "fat" → don't want to be in the way or cramp people's style (be an inconvenience)  stay inside because you feel undeserving
  • Maybe think about dress size rather than weight on the scale? So like, aim for, say, size 10 for now instead of focusing on that ultimate 100-lb wight loss goal? And maybe you don't even need to lose as much as 100 lbs?
  • All the things you occasionally like about your body are from the shoulders up (lips, face, complexion, collarbones, curve of shoulders); need to reach a point where that appreciation expands downward to rest of you
    • get like your friend Nyasha! bigger girl taking ownership of yourself and how you feel about yourself; loving yourself and treating yourself well regardless of anything else
  • Not that you're looking or interested right now. But if, hypothetically, you had a partner/mate who loved you as is, would that help you feel more comfortable accepting yourself? Answer: That could help some but... nah. Would still need some convincing. As long as you're not 100% satisfied, then you still feel like you have a ways to go
    • wondering what about you would someone find interesting or appealing? always thought of guys as being someone else you need to convince; another tiring task or obstacle not worth the trouble
    • But no, honey. You don't need to convince/persuade/prove anything; a guy could actually meet you today and like you all the more for who and what you are "as is" (Hmm? Hmm...)
  • For next week: Do some journaling and bring it in to share. Also, remind Yasmin about reading some book?

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