Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Talking with Yasmin 5

Notes from my appointment last Friday. Not much to report.
  • cancelled my appointment last week 'cause I didn't feel up to it; was feeling down and overwhelmed and just felt like staying at home 
  • October 30, decided to stop trying to lose weight for the near future (no significance to this date; just happened to come across ChoNunMigookSaram's channel that day and was inspired by her #carefreeblackgirl aura); the weight thing was stressing me out and making me tired all the time, so I've stopped
    • Been a slight relief; not as stressed now, but still not comfortable with myself
  • started cooking again! that's been nice
  • 6 months post-grad and still nothing; sometimes feel like I've failed myself. People would always tell me variations of, "You're going places", "You're going to do great things", "You're going to be great". I'm so great, got these two degrees, but I'm still sitting at my mom's house, working part-time at a bookstore, picking up after rude and lazy people. Maybe I really don't have it like that.
    • doing the same actions over and over (sending applications/throwing things into a hole, repetitiveness of my job) and nothing's happening; feeling bored, stifled, trapped, somewhat hopeless
  • Extremely hard on myself (supposedly common amongst only children, so Yasmin says. Also the only way I know how to be)
    • Shouldn't be so hard on myself, these things take time; need to believe in myself more and become comfortable with myself

Since I've graduated, more and more I'm thinking that I need meds. Sue tried to recommend this to me a number of times but I always refused because 1) "Meds are for crazy people" and 2) I'm already taking three prescriptions for other conditions and I don't want anymore. But nothing is working. Talking to Yasmin, bless her heart, is not working. I don't go outside unless it's for work or an appointment. I don't interact with anyone in person regularly other than Ma and my dog. I've stopped singing again. And it's not that I just don't want to do these things; it's gotten to the point where I can't do them. Being around people is scary, having to perform in front of them (this includes singing and just keeping up a conversation) is terrifying, and having to see or talk to people I know is stressful. Everyday I just feel really heavy and disappointed/ashamed and unmotivated and afraid and tired. So maybe I need meds. But Yasmin's only an intern at this clinic so I know she wouldn't be the one to ask. How should I go about this?

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