Sessions with Sue 6

Today we talked about being alone and developing new habits. I spend the vast majority of my time alone. Other than when I go to class/meetings, run errands, and do a few other weekly activities, I don't spend that much time around other people.  There are many reasons for this habitual isolation, and I'll only mention a few here. Part of it is that I prioritize the tasks at hand over everything else; schooldevoursmylife because Ihavesomanythingstodo. Part of it is that I'm intimidated by the pressure and uncertainty that comes with dealing with people. And part of it is that I can use my time the way I want to when I'm the only one I have to think about. So basically, I have a lot of excuses.

I tend to avoid situations where I have to interact with people (especially new people) for too long. And while this is safe and comfortable at a surface level, it is also incredibly restricting and, of course, lonely. In my head, in my room, in my solitude... I've created a high-security comfort zone, with room for only 1, that doubles as a prison from time to time. Sue and I have been having great conversations about what I need to try doing, but I haven't made enough of an effort to put those things into practice. So these are some of the points that came up in regard to that:

• Your emotions override your logic sometimes.
• It seems safe, but it actually hurts you to spend so much time alone and away from people.
• You're building this idea of how the world is that's really unhealthy, and it's made you terrified of having to be alone for the rest of your life
• You need practice getting to know people; every week you need to go out and do things that take you out of your own head and help you learn what it is to connect with people again.
• Find reasons to get out of your room! It's not a waste of time!
• As much time as you devote to your schoolwork, you need to spend as much time on "therapy work". You're determined to do well, but you also need to be determined to feel better.
• Getting discouraged so easily keeps you from trying, and trying again. You need to build up that emotional muscle to be able to withstand and push through disappointment.
• You have too much to offer to be keeping yourself away from the world like you do.

I'm (unofficially) Certified!

So... someone I know took the JLPT for level N2 last month. This morning that someone found out that she passed. And that someone may or may not be ME! Thank you Jesus! I shall keep this test admission card for memories and good luck, haha.

I'm so excited! I've never earned a certification like this before (unless a high school diploma counts?). Can't wait for my certificate to come in the mail so it'll be official.

Today was a Good Day

First, I submitted all my materials for all the study abroad scholarships I'm applying for. Then, I finally stopped to hug all three of the "FREE HUGS" people who stand in or around an academic building that I frequent. And then, unexpectedly, my French professor complimented me on my speaking abilities. She said my French is "excellent" and that my "mastery" of it had given her the impression that I might be Caribbean or something. (It's not uncommon to have heritage speakers enrolled in the French classes here.) So that was pretty cool.

Lose to win?

"No one enjoys losing. But you have to learn how to lose and not let it be a big deal." -Ma

Wander(w)ing

This afternoon I walked around the mall by myself. No reason. Just breaking up my Saturday routine.
And I found these. Guess I was feeling flighty.

Sessions with Sue 5

Yesterday we talked about my constant need to protect myself from everything and everyone. My childhood experiences with my dad left the impression on me that relationships are painful, and that you always have to protect yourself against people. As a result, everything I do now is about protecting myself so that I don't get hurt or humiliated.

I tend to see everyone as potential enemies first. I assume that they don't/won't like me and will hurt or disappoint me in the end, so they have to go through hoops, so to speak, to prove themselves trustworthy. Then maybe they can be considered to be my friend. But I even keep most of my friends at a distance, revealing as little about myself as possible, and not fully believing that they're sincere when they reach out or say nice things to me. I am always on guard, which is why my safe place is extremely small, comprising only my mom and the house that I grew up in. Below are some more thoughts that I jotted down from our conversation:

• Part of growing up is learning to see your parents as human beings. Ma is not all good, Dad is not all bad.
• Believe it or not, Dad has good things in him too. Maybe learning what they are will help you to recognize those same good things in you.
• You've defined yourself very narrowly, which leads you to have a deficit mentality.
• You are stronger than you know and are much more than how you look (or don't look). 
• It's good for you to muscle through anxiety and get to the other side, because that teaches you that it won't kill you.
• Need to start accumulating experiences that will enable you to believe that you'll survive even if you get hurt or are embarrassed.
• Maybe making yourself seen and heard will inspire others.
• Consider that you might put yourself out there (do something new, take a risk, be in the spotlight in front of others, etc.) and things might actually turn out okay. Don't be so surprised and confused when good things happen.

I'm the Man (and) I'm Happy!

Last week while I was sulking my way back to campus, these two songs came on the radio in succession. They didn't make me feel any better about having to go back to school, but they moved me very deeply and reminded me that things turn out alright in the end. Yay for people being happy and confident. And yay for intelligent, talented black men being heard and sharing their light with the world.  Thank you, Pharrell and Aloe Blacc.