I'm Gonna Be Okay.

For the first time in over a month, I can finally say, "I'm doing okay" and mean it.

I've written before about how devastated I was seeing a full-body shot of myself in a recent video that FoF did. At that moment I could no longer be in denial, and I didn't like it. It hurt. I don't mean denial in that I wasn't aware that I was fat until then. Of course I was. But in my head, I was so ashamed of and disappointed about how I looked, and I wanted to be just like everyone else so much that I tried to dissociate myself from my body. Whenever I looked at my body I would think, Tsk, tsk. It's a shame that this is what people see. That's not really me. That's just how I unfortunately look now, but that's not really me. The real me is underneath all that. That's just the ugly-looking cage I'm in for now.

I could never look at myself as a fat person and really take in the extent to which I was overweight, because it would've just been too much. It would've meant that I've been failing this whole time, and that it's been all my fault. So I was in denial. And when I was put in a position  where I had to look at myself in full and couldn't just brush it off as temporary or not real or not that bad, I didn't handle it very well. I couldn't. I broke down. Honestly, this past month or so has been one of the darkest periods of my life.

Now that the dark cloud that was filling up my head has passed, I understand that this period has been necessary. It was an uncomfortable, painful, yet necessary opportunity for me to really face myself, and take responsibility for the physical predicament that I'm in, but not in a way that produces more self-loathing. I've done enough of that. I think now is the first time that I've genuinely been willing to be patient with myself and learn to be nice to myself. I'm starting to be able to look in the mirror and say, Okay. This is my body. This is my face, these are my thighs, these are my arms, this is my stomach, this is my behind. I have a lot of work to do. And it might take a long time. But that's okay. I can do it. I'm still a good person, even now when I don't look the way I want to look.

Yesterday I was thinking about all this, I had a moment, I wrote a couple notes to myself, and I decided that I need to change things. Take different approaches, make new plans. So now I'm starting over. And I'm gonna be okay.

PostSecret Truth

 

Via PostSecret 

Return of Superman/Superman is Back.

 I kinda fell off the Korean drama train last year, so Korean variety shows were definitely not on my radar. But I stumbled across this one recently and I can't. stop. watching. it!

Celebrity dads taking care of their children by themselves for 48-hours at a time, getting to know their children better, learning how to be better parents. Reflecting on life and the memories they'd like to make. And those kids' warm hearts and cute little faces! Why don't we have anything like this in the States?

Thanks to KBS World TV for making this accessible to English-speakers!

Rain

Rain is not a nuisance to me.
It whispers to me, tapping softly on my consciousness.
It reminds me that I am part of this earth.
Really, what could be more natural than wet skin?

OddDreams: The Class I Keep Forgetting to Go to

Over the past month or so I've been having this recurring dream where I've completely forgotten about a certain class that I'm enrolled in, and then don't realize I've been missing it until a long time has passed or the semester is almost ending. This fictional class is a Japanese class that is solely about kanji. And oddly enough, it's taught by the professor who taught a Korean history course that I took a year ago.

I remember dreaming about the first day of the semester, where I walked into the classroom (which was abnormally large both in size and headcount), we went through the syllabus and got our first assignments, etc. Then I remember having another dream where I had missed a couple weeks without noticing. I was just going about my normal school day when I suddenly realized, Wait! I have another class, don't I? What's that class again? Oh yeah, the kanji class. Why do I keep forgetting that one? I return to this class, but am overwhelmed and frustrated by how behind I am.

Then, last night I dreamt that I'd completely forgot about the class again. But this time, I have a meeting with the Korean professor who explains to me that it's near the end of the semester (my dream follows the same time frame as my real life), I've missed too much to even think about catching up or getting a decent grade, so I've just been removed from the roster with an "X" on my record. No damage to my GPA, just money lost and time wasted. This professor helps me to arrange to re-enroll in the same class next semester.

The scary thing is that this thing feels really real. The feelings of frustration, confusion, and discouragement that I have in my dream feel really real. I'm serious! It's very unsettling. It's so bad that a couple times I've woken up and had to run through this semester's schedule in my head just to be sure that I haven't missed anything, that there's no extra class hiding in my brain that's just been escaping me all semester.

 I don't know what any of this means.

The Pump-Up

Whew! Today I had a  25-minute placement interview completely in French, and I'm so glad that it's DONE! I know I need to get used to doing things like this since, hello, I'm going to France. But Lord have mercy, I was so nervous that "nervous" isn't even the word for it. I'd been freaking out unnecessarily about it for the past few days (as I tend to do; it's part of how I prepare for important things). But a couple things happened yesterday that allowed me to wake up this morning and not be so anxious about it. Hence, "The Pump-Up":

In one of my French classes, there's this dude named Les. Les is a really silly person who likes to either 1) talk people up, 2) confuse them and see what happens, or 3) do both at the same time. So often he'll come up to me and instead of having a normal conversation he'll keep asking me questions or complimenting me on this or that. And I respond to it as always, like OHkay, Les.

Yesterday our class was required to go to this French-language symposium on historical memory, and he came up to greet me while I was there. He asked me if I would be performing in some upcoming event this weekend. I told him that I wasn't. Then he started randomly going on about how much he respects and looks up to me, "You're like a natural leader. I see so much leadership potential in you. And your work ethic is just, like, crazy." OHkay, Les.

Later yesterday evening I ran into Les again in a different setting. We were chatting in French and I told him about how I was nervous about this interview, and he said you'll be fine, you're like the best speaker in our class, blahdeblah. OHkay, Les. As I was about to leave, he called his friend from Mali  over to where we were standing and told him that I speak French too. I introduced myself to this friend, and as he listened to me speak he asked me where (what country) I come from. In my head I was like, well duh, I'm from America. Isn't it obvious?  "I'm from here. I'm American."

He was stunned. "What?"

"I'm American."

"Okay, but where did you learn French?"

What do you mean? Didn't I just tell you that I'm American?  "Here. I've never been to France."

"Really?! Wow. You sound like you're from the métropole (mainland France). You have like no accent. You know, like Americans have sometimes."

And that just got me so excited! This is not the first time a native or fluent speaker has complimented me in this way. But because I tend to brush off compliments that I receive, I also forget them easily and so when I hear one again, it feels like the first time. Anyway, my point is that when he said that, it was really encouraging to me because at that moment I felt like I was automatically set to fail at this interview.

But I didn't fail! This morning I woke up and wasn't nearly as anxious as I had been, thanks to yesterday and some self-coaching, Okay Danielle. This is going to happen, so go with it. He's just another human being. Just ask God for the right words and say what you need to say. Remember, this is what you wanted. Needless to say, everything was fine. I don't mean "needless to say" as in I'm just awesome like that. I mean it to say that things always work out in the end. Nothing ever ends up being the death of me or the end of the world. Did I make mistakes when I was talking? Sure, probably did. But what matters most is that I got through it and made myself understood, so I'll take that.

Now it's on to waiting game round 2 to see where/what I'll be assigned as an intern...

Black History Month Tokyo 2014

I came across this video this morning and it made me happy. Not just because of the song, but also because it gives me a glimpse of what I might look forward to after I graduate. If I move to a big city in Japan and am proactive about it, maybe I'll be able to find a community of fellow black- and brown-skinned folks whom I can rely on and call my friends. I find that possibility very encouraging.

Also, check out the woman in the denim dress and purple sweater. Her name's Monique Dehaney, and she's an awesome singer. After participating successfully in a singing showcase for foreigners and releasing a Japanese-language album, she's slowly but surely gaining popularity in Japan. Don't sleep on her!