For the first time in over a month, I can finally say, "I'm doing okay" and mean it.
I've written before about how devastated I was seeing a full-body shot of myself in a recent video that FoF did. At that moment I could no longer be in denial, and I didn't like it. It hurt. I don't mean denial in that I wasn't aware that I was fat until then. Of course I was. But in my head, I was so ashamed of and disappointed about how I looked, and I wanted to be just like everyone else so much that I tried to dissociate myself from my body. Whenever I looked at my body I would think, Tsk, tsk. It's a shame that this is what people see. That's not really me. That's just how I unfortunately look now, but that's not really me. The real me is underneath all that. That's just the ugly-looking cage I'm in for now.
I could never look at myself as a fat person and really take in the extent to which I was overweight, because it would've just been too much. It would've meant that I've been failing this whole time, and that it's been all my fault. So I was in denial. And when I was put in a position where I had to look at myself in full and couldn't just brush it off as temporary or not real or not that bad, I didn't handle it very well. I couldn't. I broke down. Honestly, this past month or so has been one of the darkest periods of my life.
Now that the dark cloud that was filling up my head has passed, I understand that this period has been necessary. It was an uncomfortable, painful, yet necessary opportunity for me to really face myself, and take responsibility for the physical predicament that I'm in, but not in a way that produces more self-loathing. I've done enough of that. I think now is the first time that I've genuinely been willing to be patient with myself and learn to be nice to myself. I'm starting to be able to look in the mirror and say, Okay. This is my body. This is my face, these are my thighs, these are my arms, this is my stomach, this is my behind. I have a lot of work to do. And it might take a long time. But that's okay. I can do it. I'm still a good person, even now when I don't look the way I want to look.
Yesterday I was thinking about all this, I had a moment, I wrote a couple notes to myself, and I decided that I need to change things. Take different approaches, make new plans. So now I'm starting over. And I'm gonna be okay.