I had a few other things that I'd wanted to bring up yesterday, but we ended up talking mostly about my upcoming trip to Paris this summer and the fear and anxiety I've been feeling about it:
- Going to Paris. This is not a life and death situation. Fear won't defeat you; it'll just be really uncomfortable for a while at first.
- What are you going to take with you to reassure and remind yourself that you are going to be okay?
- Going to another country is a great opportunity to be who you want to be. No one knows you, so you can sort of remake yourself and try things that you wouldn't normally do.
- Accept people's invitations! Trying something new (just the act of it, regardless of whether or not it's successful), can build up confidence.
- Being able to smile and ask questions will get you through over there.
- You already have the skills that would make a good intern/employee. You just need experience adapting them to a work environment.
- Might need to see a doctor about medication; depression and anxiety nearly paralyze you sometimes.
That last one really hit me. I was incredibly disappointed. Things have been kind of stagnant for the past few weeks in regard to my negative mental and emotional state, so I know she was only mentioning it as an alternative option. And I nodded in agreement at the time she said it, but in my head I reacted as if I was being faced with punishment. Like, look what I've done. All this time and effort wasted. If I don't shape up now, I'm going to have to be put on drugs. Medication? But, but... I just got finished telling you how I don't like doctors or hospitals. And only the real crazies get medicated. I can't be that bad, right? I know I have problems, I'm not crazy. I thought you said that I was working hard and making progress? I don't want another doctor or another drug. I know it wasn't her intent to make me feel this way, but I kind of feel like I've failed.