My mom is perfect for me!

Around when I first started going to see Sue, Ma and I knew that my dad would often come up as a source of many of my issues. But Ma also wanted me to know that if it came up that she was also doing something wrong, I should feel free to tell her about it,

"If there's anything I can do different, let me know. Sometimes I wonder if I could've done more for you or done things another way. So if I'm part of the problem, I'd like to know so I can fix it. It's okay, you can tell me."

But the more I see Sue, the more and more I receive affirmation that Ma did and said everything I'd needed her to do. Even when we didn't know at the time that I would need to fall back on those things later on. With the exception of perhaps making me see a therapist sooner, I can't think of anything that I wish she should've/would've/could've done. She's always been exactly the kind of mom that I've needed, and I'm grateful. God is good.

This is a Remake?!: About Last Night

I saw this last Sunday with my mom, and I was pleasantly surprised with how good it was! Also, I didn't know it was a remake until after I saw it, and since I haven't seen the 1986 original, I won't be making any comparisons to it.

Seen Sunday February 16: About Last Night

Two new couples form when a pair of female friends get together with a pair of male friends. Their "relationships" (depending on how one defines the term) develop and change in a number of relatable and side-splitting ways.

"It's about compromise. It's about love. It's about a good wingman."

 

What I really like about this movie: A remake of a romantic comedy with all black leads? That's already winning in my book. Plus the writing is superb! The dialogue is clever, intelligent, and refreshing, with jokes and ideas that (unfortunately) are not things that you're used to hearing black characters say in movies. It's one of the most well-written "Black" films that I've seen. (And there are actually many well-written ones that have come out since the '90s, despite what those unfamiliar with the genre might think.) I read somewhere that a lot of non-black people don't watch "Black films" because they don't think they'd have anything in common with the culture being shown to them. To this I say, 1)How do you think we feel when watching 99% of mainstream Hollywood films? And 2)Though there might be certain language and cultural references you might not understand at first, these films are just expressing experiences that many black people have, as people, because.... get ready for it.... we're people just like anyone else. But I digress. My point is that in addition to being a quality piece of work with highly-skilled black actors (Kevin Hart, Michael Ealy, Regina Hall, Joy Bryant), About Last Night is more than accessible and understandable for non-black audiences.

What I don't like about this movie:  While not unique from most films we see today, the trajectory of modern relationships that it offers is problematic for me.  It goes something like this: Meet. Have sex soon after without knowing each other long (or at all). Become casual sex buddies. Then actually go on a few dates. Then maybe be in a relationship, labels as needed (or not). Then move in together. Try to stick it out as time goes on and you both change. Marriage may or not be on the table. (Come to think of it, while commitment was cited as a potentially worthy goal for both couples, marriage wasn't exactly weighing on everyone's minds.) I understand the message the film is trying to send about letting your relationship develop as it will and not feeling pressured to conform to expectations and make your relationship look like that of other people's. But at the same time I think it demonstrates a loose, minimal risk, commitment-free model of modern relationships that may not be healthy or fulfilling for people in the long run. As a young Christian seeking to do the right thing, it was unnerving to see this model laid out before me yet again as if, "This is the way adults do things now, that's how society is, and there's nothing wrong with it. " I rant about this to say that, it would be nice to not have sex be the focal point of every relationship we see on screen.

Would I recommend it?: Absolutely!

Sessions with Sue 9

I couldn't come up with a theme that would characterize our conversation today because we talked about a range of things. It was mostly just me updating her on concerns and problems that I'd had last week. At the end she recognized that I've been working hard, and said that I've been making some good progress. That was encouraging  because even though I know I've changed since our first meeting, sometimes I think of how far I still have left to go and I feel like I'm just the same as ever. So it was good to receive affirmation that I'm not the same as I once was, and I am headed in the right direction. Baby steps.

• Coming into yourself as a performer; being able to put on that cloak of understanding that it's not about you, it's about giving something (of yourself) to your audience.
• Being nice to yourself doesn't mean that you'll become a slacker.
• Transitions have never been easy for you, and the anticipation of them also tends to be stressful.
• Because of the model your dad set for how people operate, it's hard for you to put yourself out there with a friend, and you're sensitive about how they respond.
• There are people out there (including men/a man) whom you won't have to change a thing for; they'll be able to love all of you just as is.
• ASSIGNMENT(S) for next time: 1) Write 2 letters to Dad. One about all the negative things you wish you could say to him. And another about the things you're grateful for and pleased with in your relationship with him. 2) Bring songs that you've written about him or that have been inspired by your relationship.

First (for real) Live Performance!

Last night we performed at a small open mic in my department. Same song as last time, but live! Enjoy!

 

FoF YouTube

FoF Facebook



An Artist's Dilemma

Loved a lot of the FB comments for this one. I feel like this man and I are struggling with some of the same problems.

 

 

Post by Humans of New York.

Knees.

It's funny how certain moments can conjure up childhood memories. Like injuries.

Yesterday I slipped on some ice and scraped my left knee. I haven't scraped my knee since I was a little girl. Ever since it happened, whenever I feel the pain or look at my knee, images and feelings from my childhood revisit me. Tricycle. Big husky dog. School. Playground. Asphalt. Neighborhood. Barking. Crying. Ma.

I know this incident happened at least once. For some reason I feel like it happened multiple times, but maybe that's just because I thought about it so much after the fact that I relived it many times and in my mind I did experience it more than once. I don't know.  Anyway.

My parents and I lived down the street from the school that was to be my elementary school. Often, they would take me to the school's expansive playground and field area to play. One afternoon in the summertime, Ma and I were leaving when we came upon The Path. I was in front, riding my tricycle. Ma followed closely behind, looking after me attentively. This Path, a wide, black asphalt intermediary between my street and the school, wasn't anything to be afraid of in itself. It was what was along it that you had to be careful of.

Harmless house on the right, big scary unpredictable husky on the left. I say unpredictable because he didn't always bark at you when you passed by. Sometimes he would just watch you. Sometimes he wouldn't come out of his doghouse. Sometimes he wouldn't even be in the backyard, probably sleeping inside his owner's house or something. For some reason I only remember him barking at people when they were on their way out of the school grounds. So you can imagine how on this day, I, with my preschool-aged self, was terrified and on edge as we neared the dog's domain. We were at the halfway point and seemed to be in the clear, when suddenly the husky shot out of nowhere and commenced barking (roaring?) at me through his fence. When he jumped, I jumped. And fell. Off my tricycle and onto the ground. Scraping my knees. So much pain and fear and crying. I'm laughing now thinking about how hysterical I'd been. But at the time, what else could I do?

Ma stood me back up and tried to calm me down. We made it back to the house and she cleaned and blew on my wounds. Gave me hugs and kisses and Band-Aids with cartoon characters on them. She told me I was fine, and that I was going to be okay. And that yes, for the hundredth time, I would be able to ride my bike again sometime before I died (I told you I was hysterical). And then, all was right again.

Now, here I am with my stinging left knee, and I can't stop thinking about that event from my early years. Who knew? Knees are actually really fragile. And who knew? Even when you're trying to be more independent and prove that you can be a real adult, sometimes you still want your mom to make things better. Or just laugh at the fact that you slipped and fell on some ice. Either way.

Sessions with Sue 8

Unlike last week I wasn't able to make it through the session without crying yesterday. This week  hasn't been a bad week or anything; I was just really frustrated because certain things didn't go as I'd planned and hoped. I often have this problem, especially when I get excited about something or look forward to things going a certain way. So we mostly talked about that, and my habit of being really hard on myself and others:

• You focus so much on what didn't happen, that you're not able to embrace the good in what did happen.
• When you discount what people say when they compliment you, it's like you're saying, "You don't know what you're talking about." So you may think you're trying to be humble or modest, but you're actually putting them down.
• Disappointment. Things don't turn out the way you thought they would, so you feel like you were tricked into believing in something or someone.
• But even if something or someone doesn't turn out as expected, that doesn't mean that it wasn't worth it.
• Because you're so critical of yourself, you are also hard on people around you; once you become nicer to yourself, you'll be able to be more tender and forgiving toward others.
• There's nothing wrong with having high expectations for yourself and being disciplined and self-motivated. You just need that extra piece where if and when you fall short (which you inevitably will, since you're human), you don't fall back onto self-loathing but instead are able to forgive yourself and accept how things happened.
• Acceptance of your humanness. You can be exceptional, but all the while you're still human. And so is everyone around you.