BOOKS! (Boy Meets Depression) - proof

Hurray! I recently got my hands on my first advanced reading copy/uncorrected proof ever! This is yet another thing that I can chalk up to the perks of working in a bookstore. Most of the ARCS and proofs that come our way look like snoozefests to me, but this one caught my eye with its verging-on-ugly-but-not-quite neon green cover, its relatively short 200-page length, the title's reference to one of my favorite 90s TV shows, and the big "D" word in its title that resonates with me so much. So I figured, what the hey, I'll take a chance! And I'm glad I did.

Boy Meets Depression: Or Life Sucks and Then You Die Live by Kevin Breel 
(on sale September 15th, 2015)

Kevin Breel is a Canadian comic and mental health activist who apparently did a TED Talk in 2013 that brought him a lot of attention. I don't know if this book was already in the works before TED or not,  but it's certainly helped give this project momentum. The back cover quotes some TV personality and author who claims that Breel "has single-handedly demystified depression" through this book. I would disagree for three reasons: 1) Kevin Breel is neither the first nor the only person out there to write about depression as he has done here. 2) In order to declare such a shift in culture, the book would have to have reached a significant amount of people enough to transform thought and discussion about depression, and since the public doesn't have access to this book yet, I don't think such a claim can be made. And 3) Kevin Breel does an excellent job of describing what depression feels like. As someone who also suffers from depression, I can vouch for this based on my own experience. But! Just because Breel's experience has some similarities with mine, doesn't mean that his depression story is altogether representative of mine or anyone else's. So to say he demystifies depression across the board for everybody is a stretch.

But anywhoo, moving on to the book itself. Boy Meets Depression is Breel's account of dealing with depression in his own way. And after having read it, I'm struck by how unremarkable his life is. Now, I don't mean this in a pejorative way. He grew up in suburbia (so did I). His parents had a terrible relationship and got divorced while he was relatively young (so did mine). He was an incredibly awkward and sensitive kid (so was I). But he still had a good group of friends and was decently involved in school (so was I). And his mom may not have understood all that he was going through, but she stuck by him and did her best to help him get through (so did mine). His life is unremarkable in that I'm sure many young people can relate. And I think it's that relatability that makes the depression part less taboo when he finally delves into it. An average guy with a relatively decently life, who's been through some things and has had a hard time accepting himself and processing his hardships. That probably sounds like a lot of people you know, right? That's what makes this book work. It's accessible without dumbing things down too much, which is a useful approach to educating people about not only what a mental illness is, but also how it can manifest in one person's day-to-day life.

Three chapters in particular are required reading, in my opinion. If for whatever reason you want to take the lazy route and get to the meat of what this book has to offer, chapters 4, 7, and 8 will give it to you. Chapter 4 ("High School, Hormones, and Hard-Ons") is about Breel's downward spiral in high school, and the guidance counselor named Mr. York who refuses to give up on him. Breel has a real advocate in his corner, but (*spoiler*) when things get too real, he pushes Mr. York away. I've done that many a time before, even though I knew I needed help. Chapter 7 ("Boy Meets Depression") gives you the ins and outs of what depression is, how depression can make one feel/think/act, Kevin Breel's hitting rock bottom and contemplating suicide, and his decision to keep living. He waxes a little too long on the warped depths that depression can take you to, which was triggering for me and thus made it hard for me to get through this chapter. But otherwise, it's the most accurate description I've read of what I know depression to be like, and though it may not be indicative of all depressed people's experiences, it gives quite the thorough picture. And lastly, Chapter 8 ("Leather Chairs in Sooke") talks about Breel finally taking the plunge and going to therapy, what he got out of his sessions, and how his perceptions of therapy changed as a result. This chapter reminded me a lot of my Sessions with Sue, which I remember fondly.

The book reads a lot like a TED Talk, which is okay in some parts but in others it just kinda makes me nauseous. A few too many cliches, and some lines wreak of trying too hard to sound profound. Some ideas are repetitive, and in certain parts I think he's trying to be funny in a self-deprecating way, but it reads like he's being too hard on himself. Like, Dude! Of course it took you a long time to figure out what matters most in life! It takes everyone a long time! You're only 21, man. Cut yourself some slack! And Dude! Just because you don't have the worst life ever doesn't mean that you have no right to be depressed! While this book may not be a stellar read, it is incredibly honest, helpful, and soooooo necessary. If you or someone you know is interested in learning about how people live with depression everyday, and want something that's accessible (no complex medical or specialized concepts to go over people's heads!), then this is where you start. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank Kevin Breel for the courage to tell his story. Thank you, sir, for doing your part. God bless you and good luck with the release!

Favorite quote:

"Sometimes I think of my depression as a fog... In a way, fog is both beautiful and haunting at the same time. It's hard to define, hold, or interact with, and yet it exists. It's there. You can't really clear it away just because you want it to be gone. At the same time, you always know that the fog is just temporary. It's always just rolling through. It will be here for a while and then it will pass. And eventually it will disappear completely and the world as you know it will come back in to plain view, like it never even left. But in the meantime, while it's still hanging in the air as thick as smoke, you can't see life the way you used to see it. The beauty is missing and the perspective is gone. You can only see the six inches in front of your face, and those six inches aren't pretty" (124).

Reading Companion

Was feeling down the other day, so I decided to try sitting on the floor and reading to get my mind off things. Madison took this as her cue to assume her favorite cuddling position.

Amy + Inside Out

Monday was my day off, so I decided to go to the movies by myself, watch two films back-to-back, and have myself a good cry. Luckily for me I picked two great films to cry through.

Seen Monday July 13th: Amy

Unseen footage, unheard songs, over 100 interviews, and other material were used to produce this documentary detailing the life, rise to stardom, and untimely death of Amy Winehouse. The English soul/R&B/jazz singer-songwriter had a distinctive voice, showcased an edgy and honest writing style, and amassed her share of love from fans and ridicule from media during her career. She released two albums before falling victim to addiction on July 23, 2011 at age 27. This film attempts to tell her story "in her own words".

 

What I really like about this film: Though people have already voiced their issues with the story that this documentary tells, I lovelovelove the way this story is told. The emphasis is almost completely on documentary materials: photos, video footage and audio recordings, magazine and newspaper clippings, scans of pages from Amy's song/poetry/lyric books in her own handwriting. Commentary from various people who were part of Amy's life serves as narration, but we don't see them as they're being interviewed; we only hear their voices. Really the only footage specially shot for the film are aerial and panning shots that were done using drones. Rather than on all the people who have so much to say about this woman, the focus is on Amy and the story that's being portrayed about her. And I just found that to be magnificent. I haven't seen many documentaries in my life so I'm no expert, but this one is definitely high on my list of favorites.

Aside from her problems with addiction, what I got most out of the story is that Amy Winehouse was an artist's artist; and despite how famous she got, fame was never the goal. She just wanted to make music that was real and meant something to her, and the stuff of her life made up most of her material. "Some Unholy War", "You Know I'm No Good", "Love is a Losing Game", "Rehab", "Tears Dry on Their Own", etc. We get the play-by-play on the events that inspired all of those songs and more. And that affected me deeply. When they went into the background behind "Back to Black", showed her recording the song, and then played the actual mixed and mastered record that I've heard time and time again, I cried like a baby. And then at the end when they showed EMS carrying her body out of her apartment and loading her into the back of a truck, and then cut to a bunch of shots and clips from the beginning of the film that show young bright-eyed Amy all hopeful and hardworking and drug free, I wept. I couldn't not weep. As a casual fan I'd known that Amy Winehouse was different, but this film made me realize just how special and vulnerable of a person she was. We lost someone truly, incredibly, devastatingly special, and that's quite a beautiful and heartbreaking thing to have to acknowledge.

What I don't like about this film: As much as the documentary talks about Amy as an artist, I wished it would've focused even more on her artistry and impact than it did. Like how unique her voice and jazz inclinations were at a time where almost no young chart-topping woman was singing jazz or anything akin to it. Or how she was one of the artists who opened the door for British soul and R&B singers in the American and world markets during the 2000s. Before Adele, before Daley, before Sam Smith, before Emeli Sande, before Lianne La Havas, before Jessie J, before any of them hit it big, there was Amy Winehouse. And that's a huge deal. Like, she accomplished so much, and left such a huge mark, in so little time. And she only released two albums! I understand that the documentary is creating a narrative about someone who has passed away, which means it would make sense to acknowledge this person's death and what led to it. After all, she didn't just disappear into thin air; her choices and the choices of some people closest to her had consequences. I get that, so I appreciate the ins and outs that we learn about her addiction problems. I'm just saying that for as wonderful as the film is, I fear that it sells her short.

Would I recommend it?: Yes. If you care about real music or real artists at all, watch this film. You shan't regret it.



Seen Monday July 13th: Inside Out

After having lived in Minnesota all her life, 11-year-old Riley has an extremely difficult time adjusting when her family moves to San Francisco. But she is not alone! A team of emotions (Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear, and Disgust) live in her brain and work around the clock to manage her feelings and memories and keep her stable. But when Joy and Sadness get separated from headquarters and Riley continues to feel cut off from all that she knows, will it prove to be too much for her?

"Meet the little voices inside your head."

What I really like about this film: I can't not give props to Pixar for creating a work of art with such an original concept, but what really sold me one this film was the message. For the most part people always try to be happy because they want to or they feel like they have to be, and in the process they try to ignore their sadness. But sadness is necessary too! Because if you don't recognize and express the sadness you're feeling, then even the people closest too you won't be perceptive of it, and then they won't be able to help you because they don't know what's going on. In other words, sadness, when not bottled up or hidden away, can bring you some of the happiest moments in life because expressing it allows people to comfort you, encourage you, and help you to move forward. Amen, Inside Out. Amen.

What I don't like about this film: This is pretty heavy for a children's film. Riley is not only moving to an unfamiliar place and leaving her old life behind, but she's also a pre-teen, meaning all around there are transitions and new emotions she has to learn how to process as she enters young adulthood. Obviously this is a story worth telling that is relatable to so many young (and young at heart) people. But it has quite a few moments where it gets deep. And dark. And just... heavy. Plus with all the neurological and psychological vocabulary, at times I felt the film would be more appropriate for a middle school, high school, or even first-year undergrad psychology course than for young children. I'm 22, and some of it even went over my head.

I was also confused about the structure and rules of the world within Riley's brain. If Joy is responsible for keeping Riley happy, but then Joy has a moment when she gets upset and cries, is Joy still Joy? And if Sadness is able to sit next to another figment of Riley's brain and comfort him without making him feel worse about the situation, is she still Sadness? Speaking of Sadness, I wasn't sure what to make of her character at first. From the beginning she's the bumbling, moapy, often unmotivated member of the team who's always forgetting (or choosing not to follow) instructions, but she gets in the way so often and makes so many mistakes during the first half of the film that it makes one wonder if she's trying to sabotage the team or not. Luckily she ends up being an invaluable part of the mission to get Riley re-stabilized, but I don't like how ambiguous her character seems to be at first. And lastly, speaking of good guys, there's no villain in this story. Not one. All the characters are, ostensibly, good. A children's film, a Disney/Pixar movie at that, with no "bad guy"? How can this be?? Of course this is noteworthy because it's something different. But it's also... odd. Perhaps the villain in the film is all the stress and negativity that's causing Riley to shut down and not act like herself. She goes through so much crap emotionally that maybe pinpointing a villain would've just been excessive.

Would I recommend it?: Absolutely! This film is a wonderful reminder that everyone needs help from time to time.You just have to be willing to express how you feel.

She's Not "Oriental."

No ma'am, no. No.

If you insist on continuing to use the archaic, otherizing, and racially derogatory term "oriental" (which you really shouldn't anyway, because 1) It's 2015, and 2) Why?), it applies to products and inanimate objects, not people. Not. People!

Rugs can be oriental. The market that people often visit to buy goods produced in Asian countries can be called oriental. What is not "Oriental" is the grown woman, who happens to be one of the managers of the store, who also happens to be Asian, who is taking time out of her busy schedule looking for a single book for you, while your impatient behind has got all the other customer service people (myself included) on the same wild goose chase by asking them to find that same book because the manager (who would know where things are better than anyone else) apparently isn't moving fast enough for you. She already has it covered. And she, ma'am, is not "Oriental."

"Would you happen to know where this book is? The Oriental woman said she knew."

That word rolled off your tongue so slick, I almost thought you were trying to be funny. You have no idea how hard I was trying not to roll my eyes, screw my face up, and catch an attitude with you. Like seriously, What did you just say to me? That wasn't even directed toward me, and I'm mad about it.

I don't care if you're older and white. I don't care how you were raised. I don't care about "the times" or "the way things were back then". I don't care what you meant or didn't mean by it. I don't care if you didn't know any better, because if you cared at all about what people who don't look like you prefer to be called these days, you could've asked somebody or looked it up (read: educated yourself) by now. And I certainly don't care that you're a customer and we're service people, because bottom line is the store is our house. Just because you are a potentially paying guest does not mean you get to disrespect us or hold everyone up due to your impatient assumption that the person already trying to help you is clueless.

No ma'am, no. Just. No.

Harper Lee hype

This phone conversation I had with a customer yesterday made me giggle:

Customer: Hello. Do you have that new Harper Lee book?

Me: Go Set a Watchman? No, that doesn't come out until Tuesday. The 14th. But we'll most definitely have it that day. We have a bunch coming in, so in the meantime I can reserve you a copy so that one will already be set aside for you.

Customer: Oh yes! Please do that!

[after having processed the reservation]

Customer: What time will you be open on Tuesday? I want to be there early.

Me: We're opening at 7am that day.

Customer: Whoa! 7am?! I'll be there early, but not that early!

Me: Haha well that's fine.

Customer: 7am, wow... Is there something else going on? Is Harper Lee going to be there or something?

Me (trying not to bust out laughing): ...No sir. It's just that the book is such a big deal, and people are so excited about it that we're opening really early to make sure anyone and everyone has a chance to get their hands on it here.

Customer: I see. Well thank you so much. See you Tuesday!

Jazz at Cadieux

After having attended the "summer jazz week" program as an alto sax-playing high school sophomore back in 2009, and after my conversation with Tiffany Toriumi back in April, I decided to give the Metro Detroit Jazz Workshop another try. But this time, as my true self, a vocalist. Using my true instrument, my voice.

The rundown of the week-long workshop is the same every year. Classes and practice for eight hours everyday Monday through Friday, and a performance during the weekend for everyone to show what they've learned. For MDJW 2015 the performances are this Sunday, but yours truly has been scheduled to work that day. So I'd resigned myself and was content to just come in, take what I could get from the program, learn as much as I could, and just not perform. But then I sang a certain song during the vocal jazz workshop on Tuesday, and one of our instructors, the estimed and gracious NYC jazz singer Susan Tobocman, insisted that I come sing at her Thursday night gig at Cadieux Cafe instead. Another student was in the same predicament as me, so there'd be at least two of us students singing there that night.

Cut to last night. I sang that same song I've been working on all week, which also happens to be the first jazz song I remember listening to on purpose, and the first jazz song I ever learned to sing. Written by Gershwin, polished by the queen of jazz Ella Fitzgerald, interpreted by me on this occasion:

After I came off the stage, I got such a warm response that I hadn't even expected. It was late, I was tired and nervous, and I'd just wanted to go up there and sing the song straight and not suck (stay awake, remember the lyrics, not hit any wonky notes). But it seems that people really liked my performance. The one grown black man in the house, who was also Susan's photographer and photographs tons of jazz gigs and artists in the Detroit Metro area, came up to me and told me, "You got some chops." (This meant a lot to me because anyone who knows my people knows that we produce excellent artists, and we are not easily impressed by performers of any sort.) Then I walked toward Ma's table, and this woman─who's incredibly loving but not the most expressive in the world─got up and met me halfway with a big goofy grin on her face and her arms outstretched for a hug. I was able to give her a moment of happiness, and that was the best part. But then, Susan came up to me too a little later on. She had some words of encouragement that really touched me, "You know, I'm not a very religious person, but I do believe that God gives each of us gifts. And our responsibility is that when we have a gift, we have to share it. You have to do this [keep singing and pursue it]. You have a gift." Sounded very similar to something Tiffany Toriumi had said to me when I met her.

I mention these particular exchanges not to boast, but to record these moments and so that I may be able to look back on them and feel a similar sense of validation as what I'm feeling now.

Wow. Man, was last night awesome! I just went up to sing my one little song, but the folks at Cadieux were overwhelmingly kind and gracious. Many thank-yous are in order! Thanks to Susan Tobocman for letting me sing at her gig and saying such kind and encouraging words to me; thanks to Scott Gwinnell for organizing the Metro Detroit Jazz Workshop to give students like me a space to learn and develop; thanks to Tiffany Toriumi for inspiring me to try singing jazz in the first place; thanks to Andre Thomas for the photos (see HERE) and for the advice about building rapport with photographers and how to perform when one is present; thanks to Ms. Yvette for showing support; thanks to Renee K. for being there as well, without you working with me all those times in high school I probably wouldn't still be singing today; thanks to Ma for also being there, without whom I REALLY wouldn't be singing because I wouldn't exist, haha. And big ups to Susan, Scott, and everyone else who went up there and made music happen tonight! Everybody showed out! Many thanks and blessings to all of you for sharing your art. Oh and thanks to everybody who wished me luck!

Last night was kind of my big hurrah. I haven't performed since around April, and I don't know when I'll perform again after last night. But I'm glad I had the opportunity to sing amongst some extraordinary jazz musicians and be considered one of them. I'm eternally grateful.

Smoothie Sunday (Very Berry Tropical Passion)

I'll be out all day Tuesday so I decided to do the smoothie thing today. Today's concoction is a mixture of Blogilates' Very Berry Smoothie and one of her Tropical Passion variations. I could've taken one at a time and just made the other next week, but I've got a lot of produce and was in the mood to just throw it all together and see how it would turn out.

30 blackberries, 10 cherries, one banana, one orange, one cup of chopped pineapple, 1/2 cup almond milk, and ice. Blend and done.

I really like the nifty purple color that this smoothie has. And the almond milk smoothes out the thickness enough so that it doesn't feel like I'm drinking straight puree. Quite the nice fruity little drink we've got here!


Check out pics of other foodventures here:

Peace, Love, and Food (Every Now and Then)