"Tell the Truth!" - Concussion

Like in Bridge of Spies, in this film a man is hired to uphold an oath and do his job, and people ridicule him and call him un-American for doing. his. fricken. job. Said man chooses to adhere to professional standard and human decency rather than to mob mentality, and the consequences are more than he bargains for.


Seen Monday, December 28th, 2015: Concussion

Nigerian-born Dr. Bennet Omalu's life changes when he's assigned to do an autopsy on the body of Mike Webster, a former Pittsburgh Steeler's star and the city's hometown hero. Dr. Omalu finds that repeated head trauma contributed to Webster's mental demise and death, which leads him and his colleagues to put a name to a new degenerative disorder that other football players might also be in danger of developing, chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). When his findings are published, the NFL endeavors fiercely to shut Dr. Omalu up and keep the truth buried.

"Even Legends Need a Hero / Nothing Hits Harder Than the Truth"

What I really like about this film: The very first scene with Dr. Omalu (Will Smith), where he's testifying in court for a murder case and the judge skeptically asks him, "Do you have a medical degree?". In response, Dr. Omalu calmly recites all the receipts from his studies, doctorate, multiple masters degrees, and specializations acquired from prestigious institutions on at least three continents, just so everyone in the room knows 1) not to try him like that again, and 2) that they could never even aspire to his level of excellence.

Gugu Mbatha-Raw as Prema, Dr. Omalu's wife. She impressed me in Beyond the Lights and she impresses me still.

I must mention that I greatly appreciated the way in which Omalu and his wife's faith was emphasized. It wasn't done in a corny or dogmatic way, but in a way that speaks to belief in oneself and one's purpose. I know God, and knowing God means trusting His vision. And knowing God means that when I have truth, I must tell it, even if people tell me not to. I think that's a message that can resonate with many people.

I'm also glad the film clarifies that even though Dr. Omalu  initially doesn't get what the big deal is about American football, he isn't out to take down the sport with his findings. He just wants people, and athletes especially, to be made sufficiently aware of potential risks involved with playing the sport.

What I don't like about the film: Prema is kind of just there. She has a past and desires, she has endured trauma, but these things are only mentioned in passing. As a character and the female lead, she exists only to be Dr. Omalu's companion and cheerleader, which is a waste in my opinion.

When Dr. Omalu gets invited to Capitol Hill and is offered the position of chief medical examiner for Washington, D.C., and the recruiter tells him that he represents every bit of what it means to be American because of what he's done, and that he's reached a new level in his profession now, and that they welcome him aboard.... As if he's reached the Promised Land or the Pearly Gates or something, and all of his life's work and hardships are only fully validated by a white man in a suit telling him, "Well done". I appreciate the sentiment that he is finally being recognized for his integrity and brilliance after fans, the NFL, and the Feds did him dirty for so long. And the scene doesn't even go beyond five minutes. But the way this moment of triumph is set up just rubs me the wrong way.

Lastly, this isn't a criticism of the film itself, but a reaction to a note made at the end of the film. Apparently, back in 2013 the NFL settled a lawsuit filed by 5,000 former players, on the condition that the organization would never have to reveal how much and when they know about the harmful effects of football-related head trauma. Which means the NFL knows A LOT more than anyone about something that could be killing athletes. And they. will never. tell. Ever.

Would I recommend it?: Sure. Like Creed, this is a sports film that isn't just about sports, so it has enough in it to keep it interesting for non-enthusiasts such as myself.

Talking with Yasmin 8

Today was our first session of 2016! And it went better than I expected. It helps when both parties are engaged in the conversation. Here are my notes:

• Was way up on a major New Year's Day positivity high... until a pair of your adult cousins started sweating you about being 23 and not having a job; tap-dancing (although probably not purposefully) on your guilt and insecurities about being unemployed and dependent on your mom
• But if your mom understands your situation and is okay with it for now as you re-strategize, then that's okay! It's her house, and hers is the only opinion that matters on this subject!
• Telling people you "don't know" what you want to do next even though you do; just trying to avoid hassle of explaining your aspirations to people who probably won't get it
• It's not wrong for you to want what you want, just because no one wants it or understands it
• Main issues right now are the job thing (needing to feel like you're doing something worthwhile, contributing to something), and the self-esteem/self-image thing (obsession with weight and appearance as life obstacle, difficulty maintaining positive thoughts and feelings about self)

BOOKS! (Song of the Exile)

I feel like God really wanted me to read this book, because the timing was just too eerie. Back in October I spotted it while doing recovery in the used section of the bookstore I used to work at, and decided that if that book was still shelved in the same place when I came in for my shift the next day, I would buy it. Which I did. I read it in December, and was so focused on its Hawaii/young wartime lovers plot line that I felt hit in the face when I realized that the book is actually about the sufferings and invisibility of comfort women. I'd learned about comfort women in college in a Korean history course and revisited the atrocity briefly in a Japanese lit course, but this book puts all of it in your face. Repeatedly, relentlessly. I finished it on Christmas, and a few days later, bam! The news hit about the sham deal between Japan and Korea regarding comfort women. (I encourage you to look it up, but basically Japan gives South Korea a paltry $8.3 million-dollar donation─not reparations, mind you─ to "support" the surviving women who were forced into sex slavery by the Imperial Army during WW2. In exchange, South Korea must remove the memorial statue that faces the Japanese Embassy in Seoul and never bring up comfort women in official discussions again, so Japan never has to own up to it or feel bad about it. An utter. and complete. sham. It's insulting.) Anywho. I was like dang, I literally just spent days reading about this! And these women continue to be treated like afterthoughts.

Song of the Exile by Kiana Davenport

A tale of young island love, becomes an epic wartime love story, becomes a nightmare. Kiana Davenport has done impeccable research on the worst of the worst that happened during WW2 (something few want to acknowledge or address), as experienced particularly by brown and Asian people (people who are rarely mentioned with dignity in American conversations about contributions and sacrifices during WW2). Which means that you might want to take this book in small doses. Books move me deeply but very rarely induce physical reactions in me. I've never cried reading a book, never gotten sick to my stomach. But with Song of the Exile came frequently necessary breaks because what was printed on the pages would become too much for me. 

The novel is anchored by two young and devoted lovers named Keo and Sunny. Keo finds his calling as a jazz musician and leaves their home island of Honolulu to follow his dream to New Orleans, later ending up in Paris. His girlfriend, a Korean-Hawaiian college student and painter named Sunny, follows him to Paris in 1939 as WW2 is starting. Under German occupation Sunny slips off to Shanghai to find her long-lost older sister. Keo follows her and eventually finds her, but then loses her when Japanese forces take over the city. He ends up in a prison camp elsewhere in China while Sunny is seized and taken to Rabaul as one of hundreds of thousands of sex slaves ("comfort women"/"P-girls") who are starved, tortured, abused, raped, reduced to their bodies, and murdered by the Japanese Empire's armed forces across East Asia and the Pacific Islands. Keo is liberated and taken back to Hawaii in 1943 and spends the next decade traveling the world, playing the trumpet and searching for Sunny. Meanwhile in Honolulu, Keo's family and neighbors survive the pressures of the stringent post-Pearl Harbor U.S. military occupation only to face another fight as islanders fiercely debate an impending vote on statehood for Hawaii.

The Hawaiian woman on the cover and the synopsis on the back make the novel appear to be about Sunny. But then it seems not to be, since most of the novel is comprised of Keo's story from Keo's perspective. And then you realize that this book in fact is about Sunny, because long after the end of the war Keo and his family are haunted by her absence. An absence that embodies the way in which comfort women continue to be made invisible. Their experiences are questioned and dismissed, they aren't respected as fighters like male soldiers have been, and they are often shamed for enduring all that they were forced into, rather than being honored and shown compassion for having survived. This book is a love letter to the island that raised Kiana Davenport, but is also a mournful tribute to the women who were forgotten and given no peace.

Exile comes to mean many things in this novel, especially if you think of exile as a perpetual separation or a prolonged distance. It can refer to native Hawaiians having their culture destroyed or watered down by colonization and tourism. It can refer to the devotion that jazz requires, as Keo isolates himself from others while on a quest to overcome his greatest fear of being mediocre. It can refer to the displacement of millions during the war, or the type of suffering that unmakes a person leaving them to return home never quite the same. It can refer to Keo and Sunny both separated far away from home, away from each other, away from who they used to be. The title's "song of the exile" is jazz, a music of wanderers like Keo who are constantly searching for truth, excellence, and belonging. It is also the ocean, the divine mother whose scent and waves always beckon her children back home to Hawaii.

I looked up Kiana Davenport and learned that this book is actually the second of her "Native Hawaiian" trilogy. I am so impressed by and enamored with the poetic fluidity of her prose... but Lawd. Song of the Exile has really had me going through it. If the others are anything like it, I might need to wait a couple months before trying them. This book is beautiful  and enlightening and heavy.  So, so devastatingly heavy. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in learning about Hawaii pre-statehood or about the horrors that civilians of color suffered during WW2. However, if you're the type of person who feels things deeply, please take your time and be careful.

Favorite quote:

"Healing hands of the mothers of her mother, ancient mele chanters and tale weavers chorusing in Mother Tongue. They will gently bathe her, soothing her bones. They will rinse her hollows. Swaying on the ocean floor, they will turn, passing her nightmares from hand to hand like heirlooms. Her pain will be made bearable; they will bear it with her. 

Listening closely in those dreams, she will hear her mother's mother and that woman's mother, chant out how Sunny Sung became a woman, how she exacted ho'opa'i, revenge. And broken girls, that army of women in her blood, will rise beside the elders. In nights of sleeplessness, they will keep watch, turning the darkness womanful" (354).

A Simple Intention

2016. I just want to feel like a real person again.

2015: 100 Things That Happened This Year (part 2)

No joke, I actually tried to do myself a favor and started this list in January! But everything seems so slow-going in the beginning, and I often don't pay attention to what's going on because I take it for granted. So then I got bored and stopped, and I'm grasping for memories now. Of course things are always happening, changing, both within us and around us. But so much of what happens are small moments that don't seem worth mentioning, of course until you're sitting down at the end of December trying to come up with a list such as this. It's like waiting until the end of the semester to take notes, talk to the professor, study for the final. But I digress. Picking up where we left off, again in no particular order:

51) Had my 39th and final Session with Sue 

52) Moved back in with my mom after graduating

53) Went on a girls' trip to Atlanta with my cousins for a week in June. Never again.  

54) 168 Asian Mart!!!! In addition to H-Mart, Blossom Cafe & Bakery, Pastry House Hippo, Ajishin, and One World Market. So much fantastic Asian food in Michigan and I haven't even gotten started!

55) After following each of them for years on YouTube and Instagram, I was able to witness the powerful ministry of the Poets In Autumn live! 

56) Two of my younger cousins became Zetas
57) Overcame being intimidated by the MSU Music Building and held rehearsals with Hilena there
58) Kept track of my outings for a while because I'm a corny homebody who doesn't get out much. Tried to recreate a habit I developed in Paris of going out and doing something whenever I had free time, but pickings are decidedly slimmer in Michigan and my boldness tends to wear off when I'm not abroad
59) After 3 years, gave up my crush on YouTuber/comedian/writer David So. Still a  fan, tho! Congrats on the girlfriend!
60) Long Island Ice Tea became my drink of choice
61) Took up throwing my time and hard work into a dark hole of waiting, no answers, and "no calls please"─a.k.a. applying for jobs 
62) Happened upon the Québécois film Incendies while up late fighting sleep one night. It left a profound impression on me, but I was not emotionally prepared. That film stuck with me for days.
63) Went shopping and bought an array of clothes by myself for the first time because Ma kept nagging me about being professional, looking raggedy, wearing the same clothes all the time, blahdeblah. But then I ended up spending over $100, so I came to my senses and haven't bought clothes since. Cheapskates unite.
64) Visited the Civil and Human Rights Museum in Atlanta with my cousins on the day that the Supreme Court upheld marriage equality. Leaving the museum my cousins and I waded through an LGBT celebration and rally that'd formed around the building, and it was the most beautiful moment.
65) Gave McAlister's Deli a try. I can only vouch for the orange cranberry club and the broccoli cheddar soup, but it's pretty good
66) Sang in a circle with a group of my sisters in Congo Square, a sacred space of expression for our ancestors
67) Learned how to eat crawfish! ...and have since forgotten, haha
68) Didn't read a single book that I hated
69) Hopped on the 'Blackish' train late due to skepticism. Binge-watched the first season just in time to watch the second season as it aired and now I'm a fan
70) Participated in all the commencement hullabaloo even though I hadn't wanted to originally
71) Speaking of which, was invited to a righteous senior send-off and meeting of the Black minds in JMC, hosted at the home of one of the tallest and most accomplished academics in the nation. And she's Black too!
72) Bought Madison clothes for the first time since puppyhood. She wasn't a fan.
73) 'Being Mary Jane' aired an episode about depression and suicide among black women ("Sparrow") and I felt like it spoke light to my darkness.
74) Dealt with my post-grad feelings of fear and inadequacy by becoming a hermit. Still working on this one too.
75) Words and phrases I learned from my Louisville cousins: "fahr" (fire, adjective describing something that's delicious or otherwise really good), and "be on yo' neck" (to be turnt or wasted; inebriated beyond help)
76) Rode a streetcar for the first time, in New Orleans. Super slow. Only tourists. Wouldn't recommend.
77) Stromae put his entire Racine Carée concert on YouTube for free and I just about lost my mind.  
78) Thought my podcast diet was full until I happened upon 2 Guys and A Girl during that floaty do-nothing week between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve. Their production most resembles a real radio broadcast and they are hilarious.The "Gucci Mane Appreciation Show" had my head hurting from laughing so hard.
79) Big Eyes. Amy. Inside Out. Twinsters. Straight Outta Compton. Creed. (all reviews here)
80) Resisted joining any more social networking sites for yet another year. Been on the same four sites for the past three years, and that's enough. Trying not to let social media swallow me up.
81) Thanks to my new hand-me-down digital piano, was able to tinker around and put rudimentary chords to 7 of my songs. 183 more to go! 

82) Got spooked out of performing again; it's been over 3 months now. Takes so much courage to get up in front of people and do something that you really care about. Just don't feel like I have it in me right now.  

83) Spent December 24-26th hanging out with my cousins, we even had a sleepover. Have no idea how they hashed things out, but all the girls were getting along as if the Atlanta debacle had never happened. 'Twas nice. 

84) Played with the idea of getting a collarbone and/or behind-the-ear tattoo. Basically copying my friend Nyasha 'cause she's fly

85) Let my yoga practice fizzle out. Maybe I'll reignite it in 2016 

86) One of my French professors gave me his copy of Hiroshima mon amour as a parting good luck gift 

87) Was so annoyed with a customer coming at me like I was her personal DJ that I went home and wrote this multi-point piece (part 1, part 2) about why she was wrong 

88) Discovered Bigflo & Oli. When I was in Paris last summer, my fellow interns would tell me how lame they thought most French music was, but this duo of rapping brothers is dope! 

89) Other phenomenal artists I became aware of this year: Cécile McLorin Salvant, Eryn Allen Kane, Andra Day, NAO 

90) Was super into 'Unpretty Rapstar Vol. 2' (Korean reality show competition for female rappers) for a good little minute! I stopped after 5 episodes because it started to feel silly, but a lot of those women impressed me. Yezi, Yubin, Hyorin, and Truedy especially got bars! 

91) Subscribed to Chonunmigooksaram on YouTube! She works hard and lives freely in Korea, and she introduced me to animal-shaped tea strainers! Might switch to loose-leaf tea just to have a little plastic platypus or manatee sticking out of my cup every morning! 

92) In "I'm a big girl now!" fashion, started keeping spreadsheets of every dime I earned, spent, and had in the bank. Happy to confirm that though I may be monetarily poor, I mainly spend money on the essentials: Books, food, and transportation. 

93) Spent my first month back at home decluttering my life, organizing all the books I own and clearing my room of 20+ years of junk. Brought back so many memories. 

94) Started eating avocado. I understand what the hype is about now! 

95) Did a few open mics/Jazz Nights at New Way Bar in Ferndale. Small place but the food is bomb and the atmosphere is laid-back.

96) Started watching 'The Facts of Life' reruns. Show's corny but quite good. 

97) Detroit jazz legend Marcus Belgrave passed away, may he rest in peace. He taught so many of us, including me during my alto sax days.

98) Transitioned to watching Japanese dramas without English subtitles! 

99) Danced in a random restaurant/bar in Royal Oak until 2am with two of my dear friends. And this was AFTER losing control of ourselves at the Stromae concert. 

100) Found a large community of Black women and Black creatives living in Japan via Facebook. Now whenever I get over there, I'll have more folks to reach out to.

And there you have it. Again, to read my lists for 2013 and 2014, click here.

I hope this year has been at least a little kind to you, and that it brought you many experiences and stories to tell. I hope 2016 brings you even more. Be Happy and God Bless. Happy New Year.

2015: 100 Things that Happened This Year (part 1)

Putting this list together was really difficult this time around, painful even. Because I can't shake the feeling that I've wasted this year. That I didn't do or accomplish enough. But I wrote the list anyway, because I figured I might as well. So this year's list will probably be the realest one yet, but might also be the least entertaining. Take it as you will. In no particular order:

1) My personal YouTube music playlist for the year: Quinze 

2) Ma turned 53
3) Was gifted with my first new pair of winter boots since 2011
4) Bubble Island in EL was renovated!  The colors are more coordinated and it's much brighter in there now, but it's a little too clean. Kinda miss the bit of grunge that had made the place feel so chill and home-y before
5) My estranged best friend finally talked to me again!

6) Bought a domain name for this blog! deelasees.blogspot.com → deelasees.com

7) Got my first job, working at a bookstore part-time
8) Did my time contributing my services for 6 months and then let my first job go
9) Participated in MDJW and started singing jazz
10) Found an instructor through referral and started taking vocal lessons for the first time ever
11) Grandpa got sick, but thankfully it wasn't his time to go. Thinner, a little less mobile, a little more dependent, but still kicking!
12) Went back to therapy with a new therapist
13) Received my first ever keyboard (digital piano)! A dusty hand-me-down in excellent condition, courtesy of Ms. Yvette's basement!
14) Experienced Stromae and Jidenna live in concert in September!
15) Experienced Lianne La Havas live in concert in October!
16) DeelaSees turned two years old
17) I graduated from Michigan State University with two degrees, one minor, three languages, two study abroad experiences, and no debt. Glory be.
18) My dad crashed my graduation

19) My friends and I demonstrated for black victims of police brutality during said graduation ceremony
20) Went to New Orleans for spring break with Ma
21) Got really really depressed about seemingly being unpretty/a failure/without a future; still working on this one
22) Turned 23 and was sad about it, but not as sad as last year
23) Wrote daily entries in a self-care calendar for a time, thanks to Alex Elle
24) Got into podcasts, especially The Read! Listening is so much fun!

25) My faith took a beating, hard
26) Learned to make kale chips, two-ingredient pancakes, omurice, and cream stew!
27) Madison turned 12, the maximum in the average life expectancy for bassets; now however longer she decides to stay with us is a bonus
28) Ate Japanese food in Novi with my best friend and Ma! So good! Soooo good!
29) Visited my friend Irene in Canton!
30) Held a hedgehog for the first time (Irene's little bro's pet, Casper)
31) Discovered some extremely dope Black French natural hair/beauty/lifestyle Instagrammers! Well, it was rather a mixture of us finding each other, but still I'm thrilled!
32) Charleston 9.
33) Unresponsive little Black girl.
34) Got hooked on matcha frappuccinos/blended cremes at work (50% employee discount on cafe food ftw!)

35) Came across a girl walking around practicing her singing in the cold while I was walking back to my dorm late one winter night. Our friendship didn't turn into much in the long run, but it was quite a moment and she turned out to be a cool person. 

36) Started singing at open mic nights at the Union during my last semester at MSU.

37) One of my grown cousins discovered he had a son (and now two more grandchildren!) that he hadn't known about for the past 20-odd years. And then I had this dream. 

38) Coming to the end of my college career and realizing that meritocracy is a fantasy

39) I got invited to Phi Beta Kappa!

40) I met Tiffany Toriumi, my hero and whom I wish to be when I grow up. We talked for a long time in one sitting and she gave me such great advice and encouragement!

41) Left the church I'd been going to with Ma since around 2002. During a sermon the pastor said "All lives matter" and implied that there were more important things at stake than our people fighting for their lives, rights, and dignity. That was the long overdue push I needed to seek Jesus at a different house

42) Started listening to France Culture and France Inter; French public radio is really helping me keep in touch with my francophone self 

43) After promising in August 2014 that she'd get it, Ma finally got her passport! Took her long enough!

44) Realized that "Blue Christmas" is actually a really good song! 

45) Read 30 books! 

46) One-year anniversary of cessation of communication with my dad; would be nice if he'd get the memo 

47) Challenged myself to collect notes of gratitude in a vase every time something good happened to me or around me for the whole year; made it to around July or August 

48) Received a huge bouquet of flowers from Ms. Yvette for graduation 

49) Got out of the habit of going to church for three months, and then a friend from ACIV ran into me at the laundromat and invited me to go with her to her church on Saturdays. Three weeks of relief, healing, and not feeling completely alone just before graduation.
50) Didn't ask anyone for anything for Christmas. Instead, created this "Written Treasures" wishlist of books that I'll refer people to in the future.

Continue on to Part 2!

And check out my lists for 2013 and 2014 here.

"Grades" of Hair and Absentee Fathers

Two thoughts. Bear with me.

First.

It's been five and a half years since I've gone natural, and on more than one occasion someone has assessed my hair and told me, "You have a good grade of hair." And this is supposed to be a compliment, is always well-meaning. However, it's almost always said with the implication that: natural hair is usually nappy/ugly/doesn't look quite right, most times when girls wear their hair natural it doesn't look that good, personally I couldn't pull it off, and natural hair ain't for everybody, BUT... you have a good grade of hair so it works.

Every time I hear this said about my hair or any other woman's hair, I can't not scrunch my face up. Good "grade" of hair? Like "grade A" beef? Are we cattle? You rating hair like cuts of meat now? Is that the move now? Besides the fact that there are no "good" or "bad" hair types, I think people are doing too much when they say this. Just tell me my hair looks nice, mmmkay? That'll do.

Second.

As I write, I'm sitting here watching this show called 'Finding My Father' on Oxygen. I don't happen upon programming that focuses on absentee fathers and abandoned children often, but when I do,  I want to cry for all these people because there are so many of us whose dads weren't around for one reason or another. Even me! My parents were married before they had me, and my dad lived with us (for the most part) until I was 7. But my dad was hardly a present parent, and he certainly wasn't an active one either. He was there when you didn't want him to be there, and then was nowhere to be found when you actually wanted and needed him around. This is how Little Deela remembers her father. And so, knowing my own experience, I talk to people or I watch programs like 'Finding My Father' and I wonder. Mannn... it seems almost every other person has a story about their fathers making themselves scarce. But where the heck do these fathers go? Are they off somewhere together?  Like, on an island or a commune somewhere? Are they celebrating or commiserating? Is there an underground Secret Society for Dads Who Decided to Be Ghost? It just happens so often that it makes me wonder. One can only be angry about it so much until she starts imagining things, drumming up answers.