Sunday, January 18, 2015

Fat and (trying not to be) Angry About It.

Been really angry lately. For the past 5 and a half weeks I've been working out diligently, making more mindful choices about what I'm consuming, and keeping track of both, but have made barely any progress. I didn't want to be like so many others and make a lofty weight loss goal for the year, because though I hate to acknowledge the fact, it'll most likely take me more than a year to do. But basically,  I'm looking at 100 pounds that I need to get rid of. Since senior year of high school I'd dreamed of not being fat anymore when I graduated college, but since I didn't do what I needed to do to make that happen, I'm trying to get as close as possible. I'd wanted to be presentable when I make my debut into the "real world", so you could say that now in the last stretch I'm starting to get obsessive and desperate.

This stalled progress and my frustration with it tell me two things.  One, that I need to reassess what I'm doing and make some changes in order to see results. Two, that I need to reassess my motivations and the desperate self-imposed imperative of becoming "beautiful" that's been pressuring me. I may never be admired and desired by others for my physical appearance, and I have to be okay with that. For the longest, in addition to "not being fat", that has been my definition of being beautiful,  and the yearning to become beautiful has been my obsession for as long as I can remember...

...but maybe that's played out! Maybe I need to get my mind right and find kinder reasons to keep going.

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