To all college grads

I just want to take a moment to give props to anyone who has ever been able to graduate from college.

I've regretted coming to school and contemplated leaving so many times even since sophomore year, and this year is making it still more difficult to take  pride, satisfaction, or pleasure in being a college student. The fact is that no one really explains to you just how soul-sucking senior year will be. It is only the fourth week of of class and the second full week, but already I and fellow fourth-year graduating seniors that I know are starting to feel the weight and consequences of this reality.

This afternoon after a seminar I was talking with two of my classmates and one of them revealed that the various obligations and pressures that she's dealing with in her daily life are causing her to not act or feel like herself. "It's to the point where I don't know who I am anymore," she said. And I feel that. I feel that so hard.

This post is not meant to fish for "You can do it", "You'll find your way", "You'll figure it out", "Everything's going to work out and be alright", or any similar oft-repeated attempts at encouragement that are directed at  graduating seniors. Those are about as useful as the "So what are you going to do after you graduate?" question, and frankly I'm tired of saying and hearing all of it. As I said starting off, I just want to acknowledge all those who have somehow managed to survive college and come out on the other side with their respective degree, a modicum of sanity, and their sense of self.

It's not easy to be pushed and pulled and twisted and stretched and squeezed through a hole like that and not lose your mind or yourself, on top of your money. I hope it has served you well, as I also hope that it will end up serving me and my fellows well. Kudos and blessings to you all.

Soymilk Newbie

ATTENTION! YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!

Silk Vanilla Soymilk is the business.

Great alternative for when I want "something sweet", which is often. Smells like I'm drinking cake, but comes without the "I shouldn't have consumed that" or "This is bad for me" -related guilt. Perhaps a dessert-less life is on the horizon?

I repeat, this stuff is. the. business.

That is all. Carry on!

Sessions with Sue 17

Friday's session was kinda rough for me, just because I've been having a rough time lately. My schedule picked up last week; my weekdays start at 7am now and my Tuesday's don't end until 8 o'clock. But surprisingly I've been taking it all in stride. I haven't been overwhelmed by my schedule or the pace at which things are moving too much yet. However, I have been feeling really insecure and thinking negatively. Just constantly thinking that others are better than me for this or that reason, that I'm lacking something (or a lot of things), and that I'm not doing something (or anything) right. Like I'm altogether "still not there yet", it's my fault, and I should be ashamed of myself for it. So on Friday we mostly talked about friendship and the distorted view that I have of myself:

• Need to get more sleep!
• Who knows where this internship could lead? Great to be in a positive, calm, reflective environment. And, you're already contributing!
• Insecure about how you're different from others
• Your friends are your friends for a reason; shouldn't constantly suspect them to be insincere
• You've got a double standard; you associate with people and become friends with them because you see good in them (not because of how they look), but you don't allow people the same credit for doing the same with you
• When what people say doesn't line up with the distorted view you have of yourself, you suspect them of lying to you and being dishonest; instead of accepting their kind words at face value and thinking, "Hm, maybe they know something about me that I don't."
• Radical acceptance to be who you are, how you are
• You stop yourself from doing things that make you happy because you hold your insecurities and what others might say as greater and higher than anything else
• Ms. Yvette's email; Need to exercise that muscle to not only think better of yourself and accept good things people say, but also to be able to remember/fall back on those positive words when you're feeling down, rather than finding refuge in your negative thoughts
• Practice, practice, practice!
• "Too serious"; it's probable that the problem isn't you, but your environment; you have personality traits that are valuable, but they're just not valued where you are right now

the struggle.

Post by Humans of New York.

Dis.re.spect.ful.

12:50am. Group of rowdy and presumably drunk white boys pass by me on Grand River and go "Ayyyye!" with their hands up, expecting a response from me. I say nothing and keep it moving. Don't even look in their direction. Disappointed, one of them yells after me, "Yeah, whatever b*tch! Go home!" Never have I ever been called out of my name like that before. White boys. And they wonder what "our" problem is...

Things People Give Me #13

Below is an email that I received today from my mom's longtime friend Ms. Yvette, aka my kinda-but-not-really aunt. We were supposed to catch up and talk about my experiences in Paris during Labor Day weekend, but we weren't able to get together during that time. So she sent me this instead.

[subject: Hello from Detroit!]

Hello Ms Senior!  How’s it going?  Hate I missed you Labor Day weekend.  You know I have much to ask you about your adventures in Paris.  I was reading your blog when you were there, so I know pretty much how it went.  I could tell you didn’t like your job or your boss!  But I was so proud to read that you had a great work ethic.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you are too serious or work too hard.  That’s a compliment if you ask me.  So keep being serious and have integrity in everything you do.  I know you got these excellent traits from your MOTHER!

I was so worried when I read you were going to England to visit your friend.  I emailed Miriam and she told me how you text her when you left, when you got there and when you came back!  I told Miriam “ you raised Danielle right”!  I’m so glad you were in constant contact with your Mom when you were travelling.  That is a sign of maturity!

I was also worried when you met that African guy.  I met a few African guys when I was in Iraq.  After they get to know you, they start asking for things.  One had the audacity to ask me to “buy” him an Ipad.  But after I thought about it, I said to myself, “it's no way Danielle will let anyone swindle her out of any money, not the way she hates to spend money!  And I had to laugh!

Hope this year will be all that you hope it will be.  I know  you are still contemplating what you want to do after school, but knowing you, you will find your way Danielle.  You’ve got nerves of steel!  I would have never done half the things you have accomplished in your “young” life.  So be proud of all you have done!  And “KEEP DOING”  I’m expecting great things from you!

Take care and God bless!

Ms Yvette

PS Send me your address so I can drop a few dollars to you.  I know you are probably sitting on a fortune!   And I love that about you!  Keep being frugal and don’t get any credit cards!

Still got an opinion on everything, still got that sense of humor! It's nice to know that you haven't changed. Thanks for thinking of me, Ms. Yvette!

And to anyone reading this, I highly recommend that you give a big hug or send a big "Thank you" to the folks in your life who encourage you whether you ask for it/believe it/remember it or not. Encouragement is hard to come by these days, so folks like these are golden!

Outings: Espresso Royale

Espresso Royale - East Lansing (7 September)

• Been here a couple times for French convo tables last year (or was it two years ago?); but never came to study, ordered anything, or stayed a while to get a real feel for its atmosphere
• Came here straight from church; Sundays = sleep + study; just decided not to retreat to my dorm room this time and try a change of scenery
• Open setup, plenty of indoor and outdoor seating, warm-colors, plenty of natural light during the day, right across from campus... I see now why this place attracts so many people
• Would've tried their vanilla matcha latte but they were out of matcha (really?), among other things apparently
• Sea Mist Sencha (yay loose leaves!) + Vegan zucchini bread
• Spent an hour watching "Going My Home" for Japanese class
• Spent another two and a half hours watching Letters from Iwo Jima for another class; one of the longest films I've ever watched, but also one of the most nuanced and well-made war films I've ever watched
• Yay for "American" films spoken in Japanese! And yay for war films that don't bore me to tears and aren't simply about Americanssupposedlysbeingbetterthaneverybodyelse!
• Cute chalkboard sign behind the counter that read: "Welcome Back! We missed you. Coffee. Study. Sleep. Repeat"; sums up my life except for the coffee part