Sunday, October 5, 2014

Far Away.

Earlier this evening I was talking to Ma about how I feel like I'm so far from the person  I want to be. This is not to say that who/what/where I am now is essentially bad. But there are definitely quite a few changes that I need to make in order to become the kind of person that I want to be. And I know what those changes are, but I'm not sure that I can make them and carry them out to completion.

One reason for this is that these changes are going to take time. There's no certainty of how long they will take, and there are sure to be setbacks, because there are setbacks in any journey. And just like any journey or endeavor, there is no guaranteed result. I consider myself a patient person in general, but in terms of my own personal progress I get discouraged easily and often give up on myself. So basically patience and discipline are two significant factors in this.

Sometimes it all seems like a lost cause, like if "it" [insert good thing or accomplishment] hasn't happened by now, it's not going to happen. Sometimes I wonder if even I am a lost cause, since I already feel like I'm behind and lacking in so many ways. I constantly feel like I'm running out of time already, and once this whole college thing is over things are going to move so fast that I may not be able to stay afloat.

Basically I have a vision of what I hope will be my better self, and I have an idea of which direction I should be headed in, but I'm not sure if I can do it. Between who I am now and said better self, it's like I'm split between two different people. And that other Deela seems really far away right now.

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