I don't hate being here. I'm just bored.
I was told that unlike my previous two visits, this time we weren't going to sit around all week. We'd go out and do things, and this would be fun for me. This week would be all about me. However, as I suspected, that wasn't the case. It's understandable, though. It's kind of hard to cater to family members and guests when you have an extra child with extra needs under your care. That kid should be the center of attention. But then, don't invite guests! Apparently said kid has been here since February 14, so I wonder why they bothered telling me that I'd have tons of fun when that wouldn't be possible despite even their best intentions. I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I'm just saying that if I knew I was just going to sit around and have to hang out in the wings or in the periphery, I might've stayed at home. So I'm bored, and I've noticed a few things.
This blended "family" is a bit of a façade. Why? Because there are too many things that aren't to be discussed. What kind of man my dad was during his first marriage and how he hasn't changed a lot since then. What went down at my stepmom's job that lead to her being unemployed. Their money troubles. Why they pretend not to hate it in Arizona as much as they do. How J got in the system and ended up in their house. No one talks about these things.
I understand that I needn't know everything, that some things are better left unsaid even between the people who actually live in this house. My problem is that there seem to be too many unspeakable things, and I'm stuck on the outside.
Hence, my stay here is also a bit of a façade. Tourists are persuaded to go to places because they're told they'll be immersed in their destination. They think they're in it and a part of it, when really they're just temporary, usually unwanted, sometimes obnoxious observers. I am an observer in this house. This is my third time being here, and I'm almost just as uninformed about the area and this "family" as I was the first time I came 5 years ago. I feel like a tourist in this place and this house, because I haven't been allowed to know what's really going on. Such ignorance is not a luxury that a family member should have. I'm imposing and I'm starting to think coming here was a bad idea.
I write all this not to say that my spring break is a bust. My break is going great, as slow as it might be. Though I may not be out and about like I thought I would be, I still have plenty of time to read and write. Plus it's nice to be able to see people you haven't seen in 3 years. And who's to say that things won't pick up during these next 3 days I have left here? I just wish that I were included more in this family, seeing as how I am family. And I wish this blended family of mine didn't have so many secrets. The atmosphere is so weird and heavy this way. Everyone has hard times, and I'm sure I could understand if y'all would just tell me about it. EVERYthing doesn't have to be okay ALL the time.