Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Birthday Blues... and then not so much. Kinda.

22. Shoutout to all the December babies.

I have to be honest with you, this has been the saddest birthday I've ever had. I've never dreaded my birthday, but I definitely was not looking forward to this day.

When I woke up this morning I was distraught. Devastated. All day I was trying to not even think about the fact that today was my birthday; the thought made me wince.

Because today, for me, is basically just one big fat reminder of how old and unaccomplished I feel. I mean, 22 is such a weighty number and an intimidating age to become. It's like I've been on this earth for all this time, and what do I really have to show to myself? On top of that I have to start being a real adult soon, and I don't feel prepared or hopeful about it at all. And that's just too painful and disappointing to think about. So today has felt more like an ongoing slap in the face rather than a cause for celebration. A thorn in my side, if you will.

All day I was just sad, tired, and wanted to cry. And what a hassle! The one day you want everyone on earth to leave you alone, just has to be the one day of the year that everyone suddenly remembers you and bugs you about what day it is.

I know I sound crazy and ungrateful, but that's just how I've felt today.


That's basically how I felt all day until Ma came to pick me up from class this evening. We did a very simple dinner and a movie thing just like we did last year. What you might not now about Ma is that she raised me all by herself basically from the beginning, and she's made most of her life about me for the past 22 years. She's been beyond dedicated, and my birthday is incredibly important to her. Probably more important to her than me. So she drove all the way up here to spend a few hours with me celebrating. Even though she's sick, even though she has to go to work tomorrow, even though she's been driving on highways a ton this past week, and even though she just saw me Sunday when she dropped me off from Thanksgiving "break".

And we had a really nice time. I'll get more into what we did in another post, but what I'm getting at is this. I still don't feel any better about what today is or what age I've turned, but I'm in a much better mood than I was most of the day because I got to spend time with the one person who's always in my corner. The one person who cares more about me and my birthday than I do. And that really meant something.

I'm really going to miss spending my birthdays with Ma. I don't know where I'll be this time next year, but it's entirely possible that this might have been our last December 3rd together for a while. We shall see.

Today was not a day that I was particularly looking forward to this year. But I do recognize all the people who texted, called, wrote on my FB wall, and said "Happy Birthday" to me in person. So thanks. However, I say with no reservations that I am currently sitting here looking forward to when the clock strikes 12, because then it will finally be someone else's day and the pressure can be off of me. 

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